I am

I am not
       a shadow of the past

a constant reminder,
       the feeling, sound, the smell,
only a bit kinder
          still capable of perfect hell

how could it be
       an appearance keen
hair a mess and eyes uncanny
       feels like something that should have been

left in yesterday
       so why should it appear
         it couldn’t then stay
             yet the similarity’s now here

I cannot be a shadow

       I am solid, tangible

taste me
       don’t waste me

fated to meet often
         fated to part again

please me
       don’t tease me

fated to laugh together
         fated to get better

keep me
       don’t creep me

fated to fear each other
       fated to love some other?

I cannot be a shadow

       I produce sound, reflect light
I am more than imagination
                                    and yet,

no more than mind
still too kind
fuck that noise!
you have no idea
until the pedestal falls
and it always gets knocked over
amidst the crimson & clover
tracking texts, relentless calls
you have no idea
distrust that poise
I mean, no one’s that kind

I cannot be a shadow

except of a doubt
to ponder and wonder
what’s she about
of course, lacking solid evidence
the conclusion is drawn
at least a vestige
at times a reflection pool, drink
but rarely so calm, that image manifests least
marshmallow fluff, and not serious stuff
ephemeral, that’s for sure
immaterial and yet a painted city girl
because it’s a capitalist material world
she is a shade, phantomed, reduced
for that is what our minds will do:
                   concoct and reduce

and so
              I am
though mostly
              I am not
while this grasping persists
                           truth resists
and my reality is rot
        mind-made, illusion-caught
please stop!
            and see
                    the light in me
    though with delusions fraught
            and sad!
how sorrowful and absent glad!

the shocks are shot
       stability knocked out
as if by a naga-induced wave
  such a close shave!
        moments of despair
        threatening to take a life away
        only through blessings can one remain
        believe it or not
please stop!
            and try to see
this element of humanity
made of five elements, impure
air, water, space, earth and fire

try me
       don’t buy me

fated to come home
       yet still fated to roam

kiss me
       don’t miss me

fated to touch hearts
       fated to loathe parts

adore me
       don’t ignore me

fated to be shaken
       please let us awaken

I am not a shadow of the past

perhaps I am an apparition of the future
       if I were anything at all

but what am I?

moment by moment
       who am I?

if I am anyone at all