… how to reconcile
if I feel great suffering
I have caused such suffering
and continue to do it still
… now I must cease
turning the wheel of sharp weapons
and turn the wheel of Dharma instead
… how strange
to have obliged such ignorance
with each delusional teardrop
… how strange
to feel the harm I cause
and still I do not stop
rattle
thrum
POP
smoke
this time
not to be ignored
life never goes up in flames
just sizzles and fumes
unfavorably
ends not with a bang,
but that goddamned whimper
three hundred thousand miles
(sounds better than five hundred thousand
kill – om (ah hum) – metres)
and you drop dead
(I surmise only one of us wanted
that camping trip)
smoke
siren
embarrass-
meant-for-someone-else
smiling ‘I’m sorry’s,
hoping to get out
(dashed hopes)
just in case you were still wondering:
you’re here to
stay put
(is that an order?)
having over-assumed wisdom
having been used for others’ own ends
I am puddled
a fractal coastline
after catastrophe
…
where should I find fault?
If I cannot have pleasure
free from all pain
while enjoying samsara’s treasure
I must be addicted to pleasure
and addicted to suffering
in absolute equal measure
I am hurting
deeply wounded
to my core
only this time –
it’s not personal
it’s nothing I’ve done or haven’t done
at least not recently
it’s not who I am, rather
it’s who I’ve been
it’s not what I didn’t do
it’s what I’ve done countless times over
self-cherished, ignorant
born into imprints, big boots to fill
innocently believing in myself
not as an enlightened being
but merely inherently existent
(betraying myself)
harmfully, forever non truth
making up our non reality
collectively
O, to escape a cage that has no bars!
Where’s one run? Where’s one go?
we dance and shake and make do
and then – handed instructions,
mapped, a perfect escape route
tested, tried, and true
a happy result, always
I would dare – but alone?
why will no one come with me?
will no one come with me?
not good enough?
you little moth
drawn to my flame
fearing I’ll burn your wings
but I am not fire (your past)
I am air (your future)
a Tara,
wind element
you choose disbelief
to break hearts, cause tears
& still, you deserve such clarity of mind,
divine,
you little moth
you’re enough
I am wretched
spastic in time
visions zoom and swoop
I am not alleviated of guilt
I am a burden of my own burdening
Knocked to the hard ground
concrete bloodied
pieces of knuckles, jaws
scattered about
detritus of a coming war
spastic in time
visions sink, exhaled
a finale, last breath
I am not alleviated of guilt
I will not profess my own burdening
Seamless lips, faulted
refusing to admit witness
slammed with responsibility
reaping, weeping, false confession
but a word, treason, is not spoken
and the clouds do not lift
visions sink, heavy, inhaled
as poison, saddled, trained
a whistle blows, heard for miles
you know it’s gone —
a train of burden
You ought to have seen this coming
hisses a Voice outta dark
whispers like old wheels
grinding to a halt on a rusted track
(obligation bearing back)
And if I did?
words evaporated, arisen from
a vibrating box,
moved by mind
And remain ignorantly attached?
But why!
— surprise in the Voice
silence
Addiction to the merry-go-round
of burden,
the colours, the depths of pain
the highs of lows
the energy, vibrating
words, vibrating
endowed with mind-meaning
and mind-made-up
The Voice can see what
lack of service lacks
and stops. shocked —
disappears, abandoning
Please! I laugh
Please! I laugh
and laugh
Untouched
and why
such disgust at
contagious negativity
gangrene and gross
debilitating degeneration
carnivorous and swift
progression is easy
unneeded consent
submit submit
and why
untouched except
with separate wash
still never away
she wept
and why
Know me,
choose to know me
and know that you are not alone
but I will not make you
less lonely
knowledge will not make you
less lonely
that always you will want
only to be
alone
Know me
see my sorrow
unpromised to a single cause
observe that
anchor-attached
I will drown
you will watch
as you are drowning
we are overwhelmed
alone
Know me
then choose to leave me
low and wet
high and dry
ecologically drained
and emotionally filled
venomous
— or is it toxic? —
she is both,
alone
Know me
do not.
do not learn.
a box better left lidded
monogrammed P
a sell-sword’s secret sealed
unabandoned, undone
better to un-know
better to be
alone
Know me.
Choose to know me.
Know that you are not alone,
but it does not matter
when self-cherishing strangles
the virtue that prompts
the mind that yearns
will cut off
compassion, love
and choose the self.
Alone.
All the conditions
all the instructions
all the sorrows
the pains
the long introductions
you should know suffering
and develop intention
You have all the conditions
all the instructions
all the pleasures
such joys
you should know these are temporary
called changing suffering
and seek the wisdom realizing
emptiness instead
The Halfwit Writer