Author: K. Samways

Poem by K. Samways, written in 2020 as part of the (currently) unpublished collection, A Very Slow Awakening
Read time: 10 minutes

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I

It’s easy to think of yourself as 
Fearless
until you meet someone who’s
dared to do
what you believe
you cannot.

How do you free yourself of
this doubt?

This delusion?

This ignorant confusion?

of reality

created

by mind
my mind
mirror mind
giving you thoughts

Hope you like them!

I pass them along ethereal waves

insubstantial
or did
you catch
the breath
I breathed
on
your neck

I ran a finger down
your spine
but it 
was without
permission

So I did not
allow you
privy 
access
to this 
personal
conquering
of my fears

Reality resists
and so
flow
slows

Because my mind
still finds
it difficult
to manage

this fearlessness

with doubt

A teeter-totter
I played on
as a child
yearned to outgrow
yearned to know
yet they 
stripped
the playground
bare of these

along with
the merry-go-round
we’d spin with ease
running as hard as we could
in sick circular motion

until it spun so fast
and pulled us to our knees

four Band-aids to stop the bleed

too expensive to remain
on school ground lot
now kids can’t play

not because the bandages cost too much

But because at some point
the PTA understood
that they could be
sued for their
kids will be kids
attitude

Reality created anew
from the mind of these
fearful few

That turned money into
an object to be held
cemented it as some 
kind of tangible
symbol
so we believe
the cash
is as real as 
the gun

held to head
of one soon dead
so one can eat
although another
meet his
end

The money, raw symbol,
as real as the guts
now
splattered on the wall

Where are my guts?
I tried to spill them
but the metaphor 
falls flat
because I can’t hold
them in my hands
and share
them 
with you

and besides

I’m feeling gutless all of a sudden

II

So,

I’ve got this story for you

About this daydream

I am constantly

(I don’t mean constantly
but you know)

having
and let me tell you!

I am so chill. 
I mean, calm, cool and collected.
We’re standing together.

(Seriously, it’s just a daydream
not a fantasy)

We’ve got some serious eye contact going on
you know the type I mean
I’m looking at you
you’re looking at me
and though it’s just
our eyes we see
we’ve gone a bit deeper
a couple layers in
at least
it seems
I see a bit more
when you see me

–kind of erotic, right?
Okay, well, not for everyone. 

So, I’ve got this gift
this present
this moment
with
you
and I’m trying to space it out
not really sure if you are too 

(even though it’s a daydream
heck, got to make it as real
as possible, really secure
those doubts and fears)

My thoughts 

Maybe I’ll play
the mirror
game – make
a face
and see
if he
does the 
same

So I smile at you
and why 
am I surprised
you smile back
and
I melt inside

It’s a mushy melt
I’ve yearned for
Not the sensual touch
of skin on skin
but soulful union
of long lost kin
a soul lost from
another life
and from my 
teacher’s mouth
came this advice:

How would you heal the connection from a dream?

(Most of the advice comes in the form of a question
go figure)

So I think
with more doubt yet

Maybe I shouldn’t wish
for this
selfish yearning
for devotion 
from another
being, though
I’m simply longing
for the very
ordinary human
wish to use this form
as an outlet, a plug
to connect two souls
not really separate
yet still
two mental
continuum

And when I put it that way
it still feels divine
So I think act natural
change and maintain
your aspiration
lead it into action
not battle
nope. no war here.
more like riding a raft down the river
with a staff
your
guide

(that stick isn’t going to help you upriver against this current)

This river is leading me to 
one place
enlightened
with
scent of mint
no doubt of that
otherwise
I’d be stuck
on this 
fucking raft 
forever.

I guess then
the appearance of
choice is 
distilled to
two

be afraid
or 
be fearless

Oh,
right,
so,

I was telling you this story
about this daydream
I’m having

(no not right now – well, yes technically
it’s in my mind)

where we’re looking
into 
one another’s
eyes

blah blah blah

I just want to 
touch you
because I feel
you empathize
with me 
a lot 

(and many others too..
that’s what’s so cool about you)

And because
I took a quiz
and one of my
love languages
is physical touch
thus I need it
so much
and need 
is a word
I feel
I need
to eradicate
from my
vocabulary 
along with
should

Here’s the 
vision’s catch

If I touch you,
It ends. It’s over.

All I have in
dreams
awake and sleeping
is this
silly crazy
yearning and
at best heavy eye contact
and once in a while 
words
that say
I love you 
back

I can’t help question

(my own advice, I guess)

Why is that?

III

Circling back to 
aspiration

I feel the
need to 
acrostic
this
bitch

Ask me
Search me
Preach to me!
I have looked for Harmony, Usually a 
Rival, Discerning
And certainly not dumb
Though I see an unfinished symphony
I wish for completion, To become
One,
Nurturing

I am naive yet not the fool
trust
blind
faith
educated
tested
with
proven
lived 
experience

I’ve felt courage
but how will
I recognize 
a type of 
fearlessness
I’ve never felt before

The answer could 
be distilled to two
once more

Trust that it will work out
despite not knowing
or
Trust that you will recognize
the unexpected
when it happens

When I get truly 
caught up
in rhythms, movements
emotions
blown up
earthly materials
wind water air
especially earth
so weighty here
gravity
pulls
me
down
and my resistance
is sideways steps
at least they are not

moving
backward.

Oops.

That happens sometimes
too

Defying gravity
feels like
a bad girl’s thing
and
I’ve been
disciplined 
previously
enjoyed not 
then
enjoyed not
now
so fearlessness
is called
upon somehow

to defy
in spite
of anxiety
worry
fear

It comes 
as wisdom
comes as 
grace
comes as 
smile
on a happy 
face

Comes in feeling
within 
without

Positive
now
without
doubt

I’ve meditated
hours
in
present tense
so that 
future 
is now and
I wait
less

Patience a
virtue
I definitely have
put to test
again and again and again and again and again and again
and again and again and if this is trying you
in the slightest you can bear…well, probably a lot
apparently we all can
as long as 
the mind
believes
we can
it can
—
can you do the can can?

Distraction 
of earth mode on, man.

Circling back, again and again and again and again
and again and again and again and (that’s where we left off)

No one ever said

fearlessness 
didn’t manifest 
as the human quality
(note not disorder)
A.D.H.D.

What I’m trying to say
is that 
this courage
is built 
on a 
foundation 
I celebrate
encourage
and could
definitely
cultivate 
a little
more of

IV

This is my garden

I don’t normally show it to people. 

The weeds are a little overgrown, yeah.

I tried to help my mom garden several years ago. (I mean several, and I’m only young!)
How it hurt my knees. They really ached. I was probably dehydrated, I think back,
cold fingers now, winter weather getting in, yes, definitely dehydrated.

I used to tell myself a story that I would never have patience.

I was really angry back then.

I used to tell myself a story that I would never garden.

I was really in the weeds back then.

I used to tell myself a story that I would never be loved.

Can you even imagine?
How silly.
How common.
How unbelievably ordinary.
To believe
a belief
a mere thought
conjured 
from a mind
of deepest 
insecurity
fueled by 
economic
insecurity
encouraged by
destabilizing
conglomerate
objectives
appearing
synergetic
in nature
of course
but in reality
only found
in nature
not corporate
systems lol!

So since then
I set to change
that intention

by seeking, 
purposely

to change
by merely
changing
aspiration

only I am 
taking it
to the next
level

so discontent
at last
with ordinary
existence 
that I
must, 
no, 
need!
to pledge
I choose
deathlessness
and traveler
of the
next life
never
to rest
never
to stop.

Fearless
Fearless
is the 
chant

(did you hear? I like chanting now)

musical
and powerful
and OM
and AH
and HUM

I get it now
I’m not there yet
this story
holds within
it truth
yet really
isn’t quite
what you 
imagine it
to be

Mistaken
conception
from your
mind and 
that you
put 
on me

(I do it too)

Right, back to the gardening.

So I’m finally learning
how to grow stuff
really, and properly
by following instructions
and making sure 
these little
plant babies
get enough sunlight
and water
and I even have 
a couple in my
apartment

(have you seen my apartment recently?
My ego wants me to tell you, it’s pretty rad)

You wouldn’t
believe what
I can make
happen with 
enough sleep
the right diet
and a little
bit of 
exercise

(okay, a lot
of dancing)

V

If I choose
to be
fearless selfless patient
virtuous
my highest self

should
humbleness 
not spill
from my 
lips

Nah. 
Remain natural, He said.

I want to inspire, I said.
Not just be inspired by.

And all my wishes have come true.
So why not this right now?

All the wishes 
I remember

and work toward all come true.

It’s just so goddamn hard 
to remember them all
so I wish
to just
focus 
on

the one.