This path is for you, alone
and lonely though it seems
that’s just mistaken awareness
that perceives inherent dreams
For though no self is separate
as ordinary we can’t conceive
the pure joy of our existence
what we gain, all beings achieve
(alternative title: fucking begging for it)
I want to cry
how is it possible
once again
to become an emotional wreck
of titanic proportions
at least still safely submerged
too sensitive
so overly sensitive!
Please!
Take the sensitivity away!
Sensory overload
at the slightest touch
and now — my imagination!
runs wildly & in wild ways
away
I’m a wreck
characters swarm my mind
barking at me
to write them down
and I cannot find my pen
where has it gone?
again!?
I cannot be barked at
any longer!
It doesn’t make me
any stronger!
I try and try
to not yearn to hear
words of kind sincerity
but again,
like salt water to quench my thirst
a taste and I am thirstier!
a taste and I need more!
Tell me I’m good
Tell me I’m GOOD
TELL me I’m good
Tell me I’M good
Tell ME I’m good
Am I good?
and even if you tell me
it doesn’t matter like it should!
because it’s my mind
that’s not good enough
to see reality clearly
to see past the real lies
deceptive tears, I moan, he cries
and I want him to pay dearly
but it’s that very fucked up mind
that wishes to take from others
in a selfish way,
to have others pay
for my debts owed –
No! No longer!
Although I cannot crucify myself
I can rectify by patiently accepting
while my inner voice still screams
I wish I was invisible
unknowable as I must be,
still the outer quiet spoke volumes
and the sound of silence resonates
reverberates off the walls
as darkness consumes
a single lamp put out
a black night falls
I was not as patient as I could
be I was not as kind as I would
like others to do unto me
A little dramatic, yes
(I wish I wasn’t so dramatic)
but nonetheless
it’s an artist’s reflection I see
Carry on
It’s not temporary happiness I crave
but full abandonment
of these unacceptable delusions
and the permanent happiness
resulting from the stainless mind
that realizes emptiness directly
Please!
Make my mind good
<2>
I sit still
what need for I of movement,
when it is all around?
water flows, ripples, pools
invisible evaporation
before my lazy eyes
I cannot see, so I do not know
although, given wisdom,
my knowledge grows
— is it in my heart?
— this long lost art?
of reading
nature , no partless part
so ignorant throughout my lives,
destined & pulled
to revisit the same
suffering
so close to feeling it end,
almost! against delusions defend
try again! after each failure
& I haven’t truly lost
one more try until I win
at my life’s cost
to be a part of it all
I
throat has seized
and body lusts,
reach out to grasp
man built to thrust
yet nothing there
for me to reach
and absent trust
rendered release
I cannot help
but ask and plead,
what dread clasp
robbed me of peace?
II
such a force came over me
I could not name
I could not tame
without remorse
my mind possessed
cut him down
to see him bled
III
a piece of mind
it held me back
so his murder
I did not commit
but the urge arose,
as I now recall,
to myself hard to admit
the need for me to train my mind
before I face the nearing times
when all are tested
most will fail
as they trained their minds
to no avail
I sit
in what should be peace
I have a mostly happy mind and yet
not knowing how to feel
amongst constant mistaken discrimination
I stare longingly into the sky
cold press of flat rusted metal bars
under my calves
lukewarm Bengal Spice on my tongue
splashed on my knee
messy me
dark periwinkle birds, raptors
highlighted in pink and gold
dance and dive, painted as clouds
across the sky
part of me wants to cry
and that’s the seeds of delusions for you
because in reality
my mind is peaceful and content
and I have no problems
Oh! How I long for a problem!
so my mind searches and searches
and it detects a sadness that was only a seedling
and I tendered the seed of sadness until
now I could pluck at any time a flower
with each its own story of sorrow
and right now my mine is one of loneliness
the most stupid delusion of all because,
rooted in self-grasping ignorance,
it pushes me toward attachment along
a line of inappropriate attention
here now I’m hooked
on something I’ve never known, never seen
another unfulfilled desire has its evil hold on me
in another I cannot find, I can’t foresee
here I’m hooked
on suffering – making a terrifying joke
out of another precious lifetime
so while I sit and wish and wait
on Dharma I will meditate
knowing with blessings karma’s Fates
will be only kind
I dedicate my merit
feel sad, feel compassion
and with only bliss now cry
Can I tempt?
Can I tease?
Can I bring you to your knees?
I never knew I had a power
then I heard the beggar plead
He needed more, he begged to give
He needed more of me to live
I did laugh
I did cry
and to his horror, I denied
I never knew I had a power
then I saw the beggar die
I needed more, I begged to give
I needed more of them to live
I did tempt
I did tease
and I tried my best to please
I disbelieved I had a power
And so delusion ruled with ease
I faded in, I faded out,
I turned to faith from foolish doubt
I did laugh
I did cry
in compassion I now abide
I believe I have a power
and with love I purify
I want to be
someone who loves you
with no demands
with no expectations
with no history of delusion
I want to be
the pure love always within you
yet still,
I cherish only myself
I want you to see me
I want you to love me
because of this
damned self-grasping
And then I laugh remembering
we is just a dream
Written in 2011
As soon as the words leapt from my mouth like some dancing flame I couldn’t control,
I wanted to scream: I LIED!
But my mouth swallowed my words, and my tongue swelled so I could no longer speak.
I have fallen down some Alice in Wonderland rabbit hole
Caught in between a world I desire which I’ll never have and some stark reality which is playing tricks on me.
How can I be the only one deceived by these mismarked potion bottles?
When I drink the one which says courage, I grow smaller. When I drink the one marked power, I become a pawn.
However, unlike Alice I was not drowning in my own tears. It is not my sorrow I fear, but my words.
And I’m not a dumb blond like Alice, easily confused and fooled by people.
I see that Cheshire cat, always willing to smile at me; I’m never willing to smile back.
(Once upon a time were the words that I spoke.)
I drink tea like the Mad Hatter and I’m wicked like the Queen.
Maybe the best place for me is the Rabbit Hole, where I can pretend it’s all a dream, and soon I’ll wake up on the banks of that flowing river – well-rested with an attitude adjustment, and some new found appreciation like Dorothy after she returns from Oz.
If only lessons were so easily learned as in fairy tales.
Am I curious again?
Let me stay in the stage of discovering
Don’t let it end
Happiest I am dancing through the maze
Don’t let it end
I’m content being lost as long as I’m left here
Don’t let it end
In Samsara’s pleasure garden, no one wishes for
the end of the line
I’m satisfied to discover new suffering
Don’t let it end
The Halfwit Writer