Tag: desire

Categories
Poetry

mistaken identity

I’m sorry
     have we met before?
you say you know me?
     I don’t think so

I don’t remember your face
     I don’t remember your feel
and though you seem congenial enough
     I can’t be sure the emphasis isn’t on con

for you act like you know me
     I can assure you, you do not
you talk like I can read your mind
     I assure you I cannot
you walk like I know you
     I assure you I forgot
you look in my eyes and I think you try
     to put a thought in my head
          but my soul is dead
               and I’m filled with dread
                    amongst this bread
               it’s crummy really
          but I can’t!

     I cannot read your thoughts
I know not how you feel
     I feel not what you know
I hear not what you sow
     I quietly mind my own business
so how surprised am I
     when I see a glint in your eye
as if responding to mine
     as if I should try!
                             try what?
I cannot try any harder
     I can’t try anymore!

          I feel as though I’m nerve-wracked
and body-wrecked upon unknown shore
               I never knew another soul existed
and I wouldn’t, couldn’t trust one here
     so excuse me, though you have insisted
I don’t think we’ve before been near
          and though I find it’s hard resisted
     I don’t think we’ll love sincere

though I bet your touch starts fire
     and somehow sets my heart aflame
I hope I lose this damn desire
     for you’re a stranger, only friend in claim
so I must say, I’m sorry sir
     I haven’t got the time
though by some you’re called master
     it’s your imagination, not mine
I wish I knew a bit more, boy
     like who you think I am
I wish I knew your mind, man
     there’s no mistake I’d be a fan
though you’ve mistaken my identity
     mistook me for somebody else
I became curious, intrigued
     fuck it all! it can’t be helped

Categories
Dreams Poetry questions

How can I know?

I considered using a plant metaphor
           but I kill most plants

I don’t know anything about
growing leafy things
  only recent experience in
how to keep something alive

but I imagine a tiny sprout
protruding from the ground

I clearly see this sprout
I look around

                   – no one else notices –

I wonder what kind of plant it’s going to be
                              this little shoot

I start to wish it will become
              a wish-fulfilling tree

I know such trees exist, have existed
               in this world, in other worlds

and though rare, difficult to find,
               I know such saplings exist!

I cannot ask for anyone’s help,
  because even if this plantlet
is to become this rare tree,
no one will identify it correctly —
 it would be discarded! —
           and I just have this really strong
                                   feeling in my gut
that I have come across the growing sprout
                          of a wish-fulfilling tree!

I’m keen to protect it, and help it grow
       but I’m really really good
at killing all things green –

they don’t need help, it’s cyclical –

    and I really feel like I can’t talk
          about this rare treasure
with anyone I’ve met,
because, let’s be real,
people are, like, really good
at murdering dreams

so I just wish to myself,
              (pray)

         please, please may I have found
         a wish-fulfilling tree
         please, please, help me nurture it
         and please help me not kill it
         I know I’m so so so good at killing
         familiar with the action, as I’ve been
         please, don’t let me become
         attached to the idea of the tree
         that somehow wish-fulfilment will grant me
         happiness – I know it won’t!
         I know it is my virtue – but still!
         Think of all the good I could do,
         granting all those wishes,
         with wisdom of course

I would never abuse my power
          I act with self-lessness

and still, I confess
I do not have even the wisdom to know

what kind of sprout I have found
                            or if I have found
                                 anything at all

for I’m the only one who sees
this plant, so small

perhaps it is just a shadow
of desire that grows in the dirt

How can I know?

Categories
Buddhism Photography Saturday Expressions

Words haven’t been invented yet | Session 14

I sit
in what should be peace
I have a mostly happy mind and yet
not knowing how to feel
amongst constant mistaken discrimination
I stare longingly into the sky
cold press of flat rusted metal bars
under my calves
lukewarm Bengal Spice on my tongue
splashed on my knee
messy me

dark periwinkle birds, raptors
highlighted in pink and gold
dance and dive, painted as clouds
across the sky
part of me wants to cry
and that’s the seeds of delusions for you

because in reality
my mind is peaceful and content
and I have no problems

Oh! How I long for a problem!

so my mind searches and searches
and it detects a sadness that was only a seedling
and I tendered the seed of sadness until
now I could pluck at any time a flower
with each its own story of sorrow
and right now my mine is one of loneliness
the most stupid delusion of all because,
rooted in self-grasping ignorance,
it pushes me toward attachment along
a line of inappropriate attention
here now I’m hooked
on something I’ve never known, never seen
another unfulfilled desire has its evil hold on me
in another I cannot find, I can’t foresee
here I’m hooked
on suffering – making a terrifying joke
out of another precious lifetime

so while I sit and wish and wait
on Dharma I will meditate
knowing with blessings karma’s Fates
will be only kind
I dedicate my merit
feel sad, feel compassion
and with only bliss now cry

Categories
Poetry

The Worst Thing

written in 2013

It’s selfish and conceited, but sometimes I like to think I was your worst.
I’m the little period in your life you swallow pills to forget.
I’m the worst thing to ever happen to you.

I kept you up all night, tossing in your bed,
while thoughts went ’round your head,
like:
who the fuck is she, and
did she mean what she said?

I’m a little piece of nightmare that got stuck in your dream teeth.
I’m the ghost devil on your shoulder, that you thought you’d shed.

Every so often you recall what I did,
and think:
shit, what did I get into, and
can it never happen again?

I was conceited when I loved you; I was selfish when I left.
I tossed words without abandon; I belittled what we had.

Misery loves company, was my battle cry.
I hung the phrase on all my banners, and
let harsh words fall from my lips.

Each second I felt scorned, I thought would be my last
Every teardrop that fell from my eye,
you knew I blamed on you.
I stuck a dagger in your chest, hoping to rake through
your ribs and crack them down to dust.

I love to imagine how I was the worst thing to ever happen to you,
and in that I will be immortalized.

I’m the slanderous tale told at the cabin, and ghost story for the young.
A cautionary tale of psycho bitches, and what can come undone.
A warning for your friends, a comedy for the bored,
a thank-your-lucky-stars-it-wasn’t-you for the unappreciative ignored.

I will outlive all the rest, based on my infamy of awfulness.

And then I feel downright bad.

Because I loved you in the moment. I treasured what we had.
I trusted every word you spoke, believed each lie you said —
I think we both did —

and when I started believing I was the
worst thing that could happen to you, that I was crazy and insane,
I ran away and still blame you, even if it’s all in vain.

Because I was the worst thing to ever happen to you.

Categories
Poetry Thirsty Thursday

Thirsty Thursday | The Heat

Is only intolerable in the city

In the country it is relished
Under the shade of friends
Oak, sycamore and cedar

(If only I could be near her)

The heat
Is only intolerable
In the skyscraped city

Though sometimes pretty
Reflecting sunlight and cloud
Against brilliant glass backdrops

The perfect selfie studio
Good cell reception
Radiating from magnetic towers

(I still smell her flowers)

In the forest it is relished,
And we see life grow,
Hiking through heavy fragrance
                      just hanging
                                          in the air
Without a care, afternoons
                                          permeated with water breaks
        we didn’t all die from
   the heat
                                          but there were other dangers

(The loss is difficult to bear)

The heat is
                 only intolerable
                                           in the city

Where it clings to and delivers
Dumpster smells, sidewalk-fried vomit
Makes that much more objectionable
The masturbation in the subway
And the skin-pressed embrace of the public transit stranger
                                                                        or do we see that anymore?

It has us hidden away in homes,
And air conditioned cafes
Appearing separate and unhappy
though we suffer sweaty swamp-ass
just the same – begging for marketers
to quench our summer-thirst,
                          cool?

(Missing mindfulness, I am the fool)

By the lakeside, the heat is relished
Finally the sun forgives bathers,
Bestowing hot sand and tanlines, 
Quick dry towels and the joy of popsicles
Everything cold is that much more enjoyed,
Pleasure derived from sticky drippings
Freezies, creamsicles, ice cream cones – 
Eleven dollar lemonade is for the city-sufferers

(Again, I would suffer her)

The heat is only intolerable in the city
without natural escape
Less those that die, burdened by
The thick, hot weight of smoggy air
Suffocating dwellers here
Folks willing to pay anything for different external conditions
Desperate to escape
                 to another’s arms, bearing summer’s dawn
    to a heat that’s loved, cherished in evening’s temperate shadow
                                               cast long over the fire pit,       as memories
                                    toasting marshmallows late into the night
Sleeping under the stars, 
                                waking in the dew

(A fire still burns for you)

A little playlist for when life gets too hot and hard to bear