He smokes his pipe and blows his opinions in your face whether or not you’ve asked for it
But how much more you enjoy Alice pretty and naive, a human even quiet and observant, stupid even
(What would it be like?)
The girl and ‘pillar both approach the end of a cycle transitioning, evolving but one appears an ugly ascension better left ignored the other’s gracelessness is hidden within, ignored
I am not Alice, a girl
secretive or demanding wishing for non-blond understanding I have never been lured by a white rabbit or a rabbit hole afternoon naps are not really my thing and I’m awakening from my daydreams
I am the caterpillar before it’s eaten by the bird never to say a butterfly word or whisper no kisses, no gratuity, no drinks only brief passers pausing for wisdom, absurd or for entertainment to enlightenment as I age to a disgraceful degree, resisting before acknowledging
you see me as a girl when I have been your mother you see me mother, after I have been your child you see me enemy after I have been your friend you see me a beginning after I’ve been each and every end only you don’t see the continuum you don’t see what it’s for you don’t see the “big picture” you beg for common sense once more
you see me as a girl you take me as a lover you feel each pleasure new and each pain rediscover next you’ll meet me as your foe and know my torture’s art you’ll beg to be without me while wishes ripen to never part the cruelest joke of samsara the wish-granter, genie, jewel all worldly prayers do cometh true with just timing making us the fool
you see me as a girl radiant, free, and open and you, overcome with envy, how you wish to see me broken by running toward temptation, grasping at the self, and craving we lose the possibility of salvation with such constant misbehaving how can we overcome our loathing and refrain from touching skin? for in heated hate-filled love embrace I’ll remember you were once my twin
you see me as a girl when I have been your mother I have been your sister, father, uncle yes, I have been your brother I have been a loyal lab and I a miser, cheat, and thief I’ve rested in eternal peace only to wake with new belief seeing inner demons, outer giving unending evil toments with such cyclic suffering for all, how can bodhichitta remain dormant?
you see me as a girl you take me as a lover you feel each raw sensation new and rare laughter rediscover how ’bout we call it quits and cease identifying this mind ’cause ordinary doesn’t cut it when extraordinary’s been defined I don’t know about your view, but mine says this pleasure garden’s rotting my time here is running out and my tell-tale heart is clotting
so don’t see me as a girl goddamn it! – don’t take me as a lover because incest is against the law and I have been your mother just as sure, you have been mine some aeons or some years ago for we’ve done all there is to do in all the worlds there are to know so let’s grow bored and say no more and escape with little wits we’ve left we’ve done it all … oh countless times before! now let us create cause for happiness!
Am I a menace? A mara? A demon? Will no one tell me? Will they simply write a book about me after I die? Or will I be blasted into forgetful oblivion, purposefully? What delight did I lack, will I lack, force others to abandon with my mara-induced delusions? (autism, they call it now) refusing responsibility – still! a demon to this day poor quality on display Brother Fabjan, rescue me 🙏 please don’t make a mockery of my life’s work, of my plays of my dreadful mimicry, the plagiarism of youth in poor taste – ah! I know! But despondency after death is a hell realm, and – alas! – I was merely reborn human again – ah! But not to torment you still! A demon you say! Oh brother Peter Fabjan! You could not rescue me! So this lifetime, I turn instead to a Spiritual Guide, Buddha Shakyamuni’s continuum, and, in constant manifestation, his teachers! I am grateful, finally, to shed this shadow of karma which reeks of dreadful delusion, this familial mockery, betrayal – no doubt I returned or would return in kind – finally, I get to cleanse such evil minds! Alas! I am grateful! Thank you, my brother
Man ignorant being lucky opportunity nearly impossible to find how stupid to throw it away
Is man stupid?
Man argues about what to be called how to be perceived as if possible to control externally!
Man abandons his own mind aids his own demise has every chance at happiness but cannot wait for temporary satisfaction to subside before another yearning must arise chase chase chase die!
Just watch!
What is man?
A near-beast, I am though, for the first time seeing the trap I have the instructions a treasure route, escape map as man, as woman it matters not!
Only that we try and we do try! to grasp this nearly impossible to find lucky opportunity non-ignorant being man
It laps my shore I lick it up, moistened soft and damp left yearning unoiled lamp left polished but wanting wear
I’m earthen –yet rarely feet have trodden here while I walk the substrate bare- footed, rare to see another with the will to exhaust such karma there– upon my earth travellers now fear such dirt and toxins leached have run amuck now gotten stuck upon my shores where you wish to lap me up
I do not trust I will not harm the beings near and you, my dear
I stretch my eye to the edge of the horizon — trying to find where water ends and sky begins unaware I’m standing in that ether now my waist deep wading transcends liminal space and I no longer seek to stretch my sightless senses far but rather remain to feel the space around
I look up and down and see that in the sky, reflected back, a different sea, a cloud soaring condensation ready to transform at any moment, dark and massive holding deceptive weight threatening to rise the tides and drown us all
I don’t trust the water
— — — — —
I am of the air
I do not trust the fire
I love it, though, and how alluring it dances and matches my rhymic fancies alighting neither here nor there
like spark to ash rising into the night up to the stars –suddenly dying, vanishing and descending silently — crying and proclaiming that life’s not fair
the fire burns me up its heat draws me in as if an answer to the ice around my heart as if it could possibly melt lifetimes of anger turned sorrow to rock how I wished the fiery heat-of-passion- spawned aggression was the answer crystal clear — yet the delusion’s not so before I’m eaten up I make like a deer and run
I do not trust the fire
— — — — —
I am of the light
I do not trust the space my depth perception’s off my conception’s out of place I do not trust the time the way it moves so slow to the uncomprehending mind that dims my afterglow
I don’t like the space between us as messages get lost, and when you’re seeing me as separate with problems you are fraught I see emptiness before me yet mistakenly, I know naming ordinary appearance where boundless magic grows
I do not like refraction how it contaminates my rays I am pure light I feel it yet space eliminates & constrains — though I am the brilliant being
I don’t trust the space
— — — — —
I am of deep ignorance
or else I would escape this elemental game — this cyclical existence in which I’m continuously betrayed by each and all delusions that gather round my head and constrict my heart’s pace so I can barely catch my breath it’s time to let this go into the water I will drown them & with the current let them flow
The Halfwit Writer 