Categories
Poetry

loathsome whispers

the voices whisper
        people loathe you
the voices snicker
        alone alone alone
a false chant
        separate separate separate
a real deluded rant
        awful awful awful
in four-four time, or sometimes three
        you can’t count anymore!
I used to play the violin
        and you can’t read anymore!
the voices tell half-truths
        and you believe us!
the voices are half-believed, half-won already
        you’ve lost, give up
a nasty thought, a remorseful tale
        we are the guards!
I’d rather be the hammer than the nail
        your mind’s in jail!
I’d plan escape, but where to run
        we’re just beginning our fun!
for the mind will follow, as shadows after the sun
        stop with the rhymes, already!
the voices whisper
        people loathe you
the voices snicker
        alone alone alone
a false chant
        separate separate separate
a real deluded rant
        fearful fearful fearful
with the ability to abandon
        no  no   no!
I expel the poison, the voices
        so long   good bye   adieu

and freedom pursue


footnote: if you’re going through hell, keep going

footnote 2: to love, to cherish, to be patient, to be kind, to be virtuous, to remember all is mind, this will get you through

Categories
Poetry

I am

I am not
       a shadow of the past

a constant reminder,
       the feeling, sound, the smell,
only a bit kinder
          still capable of perfect hell

how could it be
       an appearance keen
hair a mess and eyes uncanny
       feels like something that should have been

left in yesterday
       so why should it appear
         it couldn’t then stay
             yet the similarity’s now here

I cannot be a shadow

       I am solid, tangible

taste me
       don’t waste me

fated to meet often
         fated to part again

please me
       don’t tease me

fated to laugh together
         fated to get better

keep me
       don’t creep me

fated to fear each other
       fated to love some other?

I cannot be a shadow

       I produce sound, reflect light
I am more than imagination
                                    and yet,

no more than mind
still too kind
fuck that noise!
you have no idea
until the pedestal falls
and it always gets knocked over
amidst the crimson & clover
tracking texts, relentless calls
you have no idea
distrust that poise
I mean, no one’s that kind

I cannot be a shadow

except of a doubt
to ponder and wonder
what’s she about
of course, lacking solid evidence
the conclusion is drawn
at least a vestige
at times a reflection pool, drink
but rarely so calm, that image manifests least
marshmallow fluff, and not serious stuff
ephemeral, that’s for sure
immaterial and yet a painted city girl
because it’s a capitalist material world
she is a shade, phantomed, reduced
for that is what our minds will do:
                   concoct and reduce

and so
              I am
though mostly
              I am not
while this grasping persists
                           truth resists
and my reality is rot
        mind-made, illusion-caught
please stop!
            and see
                    the light in me
    though with delusions fraught
            and sad!
how sorrowful and absent glad!

the shocks are shot
       stability knocked out
as if by a naga-induced wave
  such a close shave!
        moments of despair
        threatening to take a life away
        only through blessings can one remain
        believe it or not
please stop!
            and try to see
this element of humanity
made of five elements, impure
air, water, space, earth and fire

try me
       don’t buy me

fated to come home
       yet still fated to roam

kiss me
       don’t miss me

fated to touch hearts
       fated to loathe parts

adore me
       don’t ignore me

fated to be shaken
       please let us awaken

I am not a shadow of the past

perhaps I am an apparition of the future
       if I were anything at all

but what am I?

moment by moment
       who am I?

if I am anyone at all

Categories
Poetry

Wish for Wisdom

(alternative title: fucking begging for it)

             I want to cry
how is it possible
             once again
to become an emotional wreck
     of titanic proportions
          at least still safely submerged
too sensitive
        so overly sensitive!

Please!
     Take the sensitivity away!

Sensory overload
          at the slightest touch
and now  — my imagination!
                     runs wildly & in wild ways
        away
I’m a wreck
characters swarm my mind
barking at me
to write them down
and I cannot find my pen
where has it gone?
again!?

I cannot be barked at
       any longer!
It doesn’t make me
       any stronger!

I try and try
       to not yearn to hear
words of kind sincerity
       but again,
like salt water to quench my thirst
       a taste and I am thirstier!
       a taste and I need more!

Tell me I’m good
Tell me I’m GOOD
TELL me I’m good
Tell me I’M good
Tell ME I’m good

Am I good?

    and even if you tell me
    it doesn’t matter like it should!

because it’s my mind
that’s not good enough

to see reality clearly
to see past the real lies
deceptive tears, I moan, he cries
and I want him to pay dearly
but it’s that very fucked up mind
that wishes to take from others
in a selfish way,
        to have others pay
                    for my debts owed –

No! No longer!

Although I cannot crucify myself
I can rectify by patiently accepting
while my inner voice still screams
           I wish I was invisible
           unknowable as I must be,
still the outer quiet spoke volumes
and the sound of silence resonates
reverberates off the walls
as darkness consumes
a single lamp put out
a black night falls
           I was not as patient as I could
     be I was not as kind as I would
like others to do unto me

A little dramatic, yes
(I wish I wasn’t so dramatic)
                     but nonetheless
it’s an artist’s reflection I see

                        Carry on

It’s not temporary happiness I crave
but full abandonment
of these unacceptable delusions
and the permanent happiness
resulting from the stainless mind
that realizes emptiness directly

                        Please!

Make my mind good

Categories
Poetry

Unilluminated

having over-assumed wisdom
having been used for others’ own ends

             I am puddled

a fractal coastline
                       after catastrophe

             where should I find fault?

Categories
Poetry

The Leper

Untouched
     and why
such disgust at
     contagious negativity
gangrene and gross
     debilitating degeneration
carnivorous and swift
     progression is easy
unneeded consent
     submit    submit
and why
     untouched except
with separate wash
     still never away
she wept
     and why

Categories
Dreams Poetry

Self-cherishing, alone

Know me,
       choose to know me
and know that you are not alone
but I will not make you
       less lonely
knowledge will not make you
       less lonely
that always you will want
       only to be
alone

Know me
see my sorrow
unpromised to a single cause
observe that
              anchor-attached
       I will drown
you will watch
       as you are drowning
              we are overwhelmed
alone

Know me
   then choose to leave me
         low and wet
            high and dry
ecologically drained
and emotionally filled
       venomous
          — or is it toxic? —
     she is both,
                       alone

Know me
        do not.
do not learn.
a box better left lidded
monogrammed P
a sell-sword’s secret sealed
unabandoned, undone
better to un-know
better to be
alone

Know me.
Choose to know me.
Know that you are not alone,
but it does not matter
     when self-cherishing strangles
            the virtue that prompts
         the mind that yearns
                    will cut off
  compassion, love
and choose the self.

Alone.