needle my heart
thread me with hurt
keep me just alive
feel the cold anger
turn to hot sorrow
as I fight to survive
pull back bitten nails
pin me with pain
and pleasure derive
it’s torturer’s art
to keep us apart
and this love deprive
Author: K. Samways
Constant observer. Ad hoc responder.
Categories
True Freedom is Self-Control
I am free
listening to
‘The Fear’ by Ben Howard
realization after realization
blessing after blessing pouring in
no longer worrying
that my time is a little unclear
no longer worrying
that I’m losing the ones I hold dear
no longer worrying
that I live my life in the confines of fear
I must not fear
listening to
‘Is That All There Is?’ by Peggy Lee
Fear is the mind-killer
if that’s all there is my friends
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
then let’s go dancing
I will face my fear.
consistent joyful effort is clearly worth it
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
the prayers, the meditation, the patience
When it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
listening to
‘Self Control’ by Laura Branigan
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
I, I live among the creatures of the night
Only I will remain.*
I’m living in the forest of my dream
but I have self-control
I am free
*Frank Herbert, Dune
I am not
a shadow of the past
a constant reminder,
the feeling, sound, the smell,
only a bit kinder
still capable of perfect hell
how could it be
an appearance keen
hair a mess and eyes uncanny
feels like something that should have been
left in yesterday
so why should it appear
it couldn’t then stay
yet the similarity’s now here
I cannot be a shadow
I am solid, tangible
taste me
don’t waste me
fated to meet often
fated to part again
please me
don’t tease me
fated to laugh together
fated to get better
keep me
don’t creep me
fated to fear each other
fated to love some other?
I cannot be a shadow
I produce sound, reflect light
I am more than imagination
and yet,
no more than mind
still too kind
fuck that noise!
you have no idea
until the pedestal falls
and it always gets knocked over
amidst the crimson & clover
tracking texts, relentless calls
you have no idea
distrust that poise
I mean, no one’s that kind
I cannot be a shadow
except of a doubt
to ponder and wonder
what’s she about
of course, lacking solid evidence
the conclusion is drawn
at least a vestige
at times a reflection pool, drink
but rarely so calm, that image manifests least
marshmallow fluff, and not serious stuff
ephemeral, that’s for sure
immaterial and yet a painted city girl
because it’s a capitalist material world
she is a shade, phantomed, reduced
for that is what our minds will do:
concoct and reduce
and so
I am
though mostly
I am not
while this grasping persists
truth resists
and my reality is rot
mind-made, illusion-caught
please stop!
and see
the light in me
though with delusions fraught
and sad!
how sorrowful and absent glad!
the shocks are shot
stability knocked out
as if by a naga-induced wave
such a close shave!
moments of despair
threatening to take a life away
only through blessings can one remain
believe it or not
please stop!
and try to see
this element of humanity
made of five elements, impure
air, water, space, earth and fire
try me
don’t buy me
fated to come home
yet still fated to roam
kiss me
don’t miss me
fated to touch hearts
fated to loathe parts
adore me
don’t ignore me
fated to be shaken
please let us awaken
I am not a shadow of the past
perhaps I am an apparition of the future
if I were anything at all
but what am I?
moment by moment
who am I?
if I am anyone at all
Categories
My Tears
My Tears*
I’m crying all the time now.
I cried all over the street when I left Jack’s near Montebello Park.
I cried listening to Heart.
I cried looking at the winter leaves strewn across the yard, I cried at the sadness
of the now-ignored trees.
Happiness exists I feel it.
I cried for anger, I cried for delusions.
The world is addicted to anger.
Joy appearing to be seen, but lost, a mirage.
Overflowing tears of Avalokiteshvara.
January 1, 2025
*a tribute to Allen Ginsberg’s “Tears,” 1956
Dear Past Life Connection,
Don’t get stuck in your head
don’t think
I’d be better off instead…
don’t let the demons get to you
don’t think it’s better if it’s new
I know it doesn’t seem so right
when things get hard & a little tight
but I think good’s worth a little fight
after this dark comes a lot of light
(I promise)
All that I could wish for you
is a cease of suffering, aches, and flu
this love, the wish for happiness so true
and the desire for such joy to remain
with fearlessness, absent any pain
and a healthy, happy, stable mind
a loving heart and neighbours kind
Don’t despair, my humble friend
for we’re at beginning, not the end
do not worry, do not hasten
it’s only our drive, our pulses racing
Let’s enjoy the lust, the draw, the pull
let’s unfasten our will, glass half full
of wisdom, we wish, we want to escape
this prison, ordinary existence, red tape
Somewhere between sex and fear
this passion lies
yet we’re too courageous
so we thrive
against all odds, mistakenly alone
staring reluctantly at our phones
aghast, embarrassed
a hint of cowardice
— shit
Don’t get stuck in your head
we’re better off instead
to enjoy this dance of life
embracing opportunity with strife
I know it doesn’t seem so right
that it should be left to you
but in the interest of tradition
I encourage thou come through
Don’t despair, my falling friend
it’s just the beginning, follow the thread
roll the dice, don’t flip the car
please remember who you really are
It’s worth it
(I promise)
Love,
a distant past lover
Categories
lack of need
as in neurochemical warfare
this lack of need arises
I broadcast completeness
even as you redial your radius
do my cells respond differently
on this higher plane of functioning?
am I intimidating in this energy?
here, let me mix my mind with thee
let my coherent electromagnetic field
press through yours, transform the rooms
of your psychic home as I enter, invited
though I lack the vampirism you once desired
I do not fill voids, nor create them
I am expansion, a field of possibility
a humble being, deferential
do I operate in abundance?
yes! I do
do I create your potential?
no! you do
have I stepped into my power?
ever saying yes, ever saying no,
ever acknowledging limitless maybe sos,
feel my field around you grow
let it draw you in, ebb, flow
why resist?
it is not your neediness
this attraction, enchanting pull
it’s purpose and purposeful
in this quantum entanglement,
there is always
fresh opportunity for plentitude
independent growth
creation of abundance
with virtuous oath
see this force of nature and rejoice!
rise to your own highest potential!
no one is responsible for me but me
there is no one for whom I lust or need
a statue of such purity
in body, mind, and speech is she
there is no one to save inside of me
don’t say that would threaten thee
for only strength could be my key
and please do not pretend to be
an interference pattern
to escape the thought of me
and rocket off to Saturn
I do not plan to chase or run
for that is never any fun
I have no need for satisfaction
of temporary yearnings
I find kindness, love, and patience
offer far greater learnings
and yet!
of course if proffered
it certainly would have me hot
not bothered
you want results?
just create causes
that’s what I do!
I show them the receipts
but keep my plans secret too
opt for resilience
growth and independence
never in childishness
except in play, harming none!
so plan to endure my completeness
and come undone!
our mission is not to fill holes or voids
or other tedious contract work
but rather the happiness and joy
of sexy contact perks
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
never clingy, helpless nor hungry
never confusing love and greed
and still if you were simply wondering
I’m definitely a different breed
ever wishing to be free
and still not freed
from this lack of need
Please Don’t Make Me Worse
A Poem in 50 Songs
Runtime: 3h 8min
It won’t be long now
before you make me worse
we work
with young blood
helicopter hearts
too close
dancing tango del fuego
imagining …
when your heart stops beating
you watch my booty swing
which has you thinking nasty things
like Voy a tocarte toa’
and to me?
you’re just a dream
one I contemplate all night
es un secreto que no lo dire
with a brimful of asha
I yield to this moment of surrender
awake, you’re a daydream
& I admit it’s been a long time
since I’ve felt a higher devotion
since I’ve felt sunshine on my skin
since I’ve been ready to fall
right here, right now
everything changed
Not sure if I’ve got a fever
or if I’ve got a man on my mind
but surely love is the drug
to make me feel fine
not black coffee and cigarettes
now is not the time to hasten death
I always knew
how to get it faster
in this state of flux
but in the end
grandpa’s groove
like Cobrastyle
is the bad touch
If you’ve ever wondered
how to be a heartbreaker like me
don’t bother –
the halo I wear
is just a dream
I’m sunny and sweet,
a candy girl
round like the moon
lonely too, so please,
my darling be home soon
Don’t let me be your bad habit
(or make you worse)
gun to my head
I admit I’m overkill
wondering if you’ll survive a wolf like me
with dread, let’s dance to joy division
when all my heroes are tired, I say
I wanna dance with somebody like you instead
Categories
Thirsty Thursday | Spent
it’s early still & even though
I woke up not too long ago
I am spent
sometimes
you gotta turn the crank
before you leave (early work)
so you don’t bathroom yank
like some horny pervert jerk
not me!
I am spent
so now I go to refill my wallet
now on empty, whatever you call it
hours worked for few cents
cuz’ soon I’ll have to pay the rent
still grateful for the place I live
still grateful for opportunity to give
even though it came to this
little morning routine grift
it’s only day’s beginning
my arm’s tired, face is grinning
and I am spent
could it be worth the pain?
sure it could hurt (does hurt)
but it always can! (and will!)
samsara’s blessing, and its curse!
there’s always suffering
it’s always there
agony & heartache
these endless cares
unfulfilled wishes
we ain’t some dying breed
we’ve been wishing and craving
burning with need
since beginningless time
(that’s time without beginning)
we’ve been lost in self-grasping
our delusions are winning
then enter love, a virtue
not some object of wanting
but a wish for your happiness
not taking, not haunting
like once, a vampire sucked
my energy, my time, my luck
even when I yearned to fuck
he made me feel yuck, yuck, yuck
no more! I just yearn to give
I wish to love, to laugh to live
and even though I know it hurts
I just think it could be worse
so I’m willing to try and bear such pain
I’m even willing to go insane
(okay, never mind…I’m already there)
and I really wish I didn’t care!
but it seems I don’t have a choice
and I have a lot of choices –
normally – a lot of control
not over external matters of course…
but in this dream world,
control over matters of mind
apparently not matters of the heart
but definitely matters when being kind
alright I want to wrap this up
like a Christmas gift, my loving cup
a trophy that I wish to offer
filled with jewels as if a coffer
and yet, I awaken from the dream
to grasp at less than air between
this reality, mind-made, of you, of me
and now give up the fantasy
because it’s never worth the pain
it’s never worth the endless grasping
it’s never worth insanity
or the infinite, familiar clasping
and on this evening drear and gloomy
under clouds all grey and doomy
I curse my love life, I confess to crime
I accept the loss, and I’ll do the time
Once upon a time
I had another life
I had another job
I was to be a wife
and when the whole damn world
thought to come crashing down
I put on my big girl pants
and turned up my music loud
so this other life dissolved
and that job did disappear
the man was just a con
so I faced the loneliness I feared
what a gift that was
because it led me to this place
where the feeling is familiar
though I’ve met a different face
I thought I’d lost the rhythm
I thought I’d lost the rhyme
but I’ve found the dance again
will you help me keep the time?
I just can’t fight this feeling
I just don’t have the will
you stirred the past in me
and ignited the music’s thrill
and though the past’s behind
and the future’s quite unclear
one thing is for certain
I’m letting go of this damn fear
I recorded the poem Come Together (2021) – check it out on Youtube now, or revisit the original post to read along.
The Halfwit Writer 