Here and now, I finally know
A result, born from
Past cause – a virtuous one – and
Present causes making future effects
Yes, this is the source of my
Happiness!
Categories
Feeling Joyful
Category: Buddhism
hard to believe
Time, hardly passed
and a mark, already here
nearly two years
and a different mind
has appeared, so many times over
nearly two years ago
you claimed me
unsteady, unstable,
toxic and cold
now, not two years passed
and I’m too goddamned
stable and heart-of-gold fast,
too nice for any old soul
how goddamned depressing
for this romantic dolt
time after time, rejected
for incredible conventional reason
understanding it’s karmic creation
— nothing personal of course
while feeling deeply personal
a reality of my own making
just the swiftest vehicle
my own preference for
navigating Niagara roads
still hard to accept sometimes
it’s the life I needed, I chose
thank you, my kind Spiritual Guide,
for ripening such conditions —
from which I could never hide
and one day will appreciate
more than my present self knows
Open your mind, heart
to feel what you feel, name it
your Spiritual Guide whispers to you
as a wave that laps the sandy shore, gently
receding, absent whitecaps
Name what you feel
be not afraid
for what rises will fall
and what fear have we
of what is not permanent,
never mind what we cannot name?
What we cannot name does not exist,
so what is it?
and you go within,
as instructed for
within is all there is
when there is
no out there out there
and you feel
disappointment
red, raw, and sinewy
funnily, sadly, and sorely
familiar, rubbed, worn and
blistered, in risk of rot
if you let it fester like
resentment –
you can’t
I was here first your way
in or out of this one
it’s not yours, except
you lay claim to its
disappointment
as though it could have been
if it could have it would have
and it didn’t so it won’t
and you think
acceptance
the sweetest fruit,
sometimes the heaviest to bear
laid at your feet as you risk despair
only having to pick it up, lift it
with legs of wisdom,
but no –
I chose
to disappoint myself
yet, hope
hope is here too
blossoming as a new bud
for disappointment
could not create sorrow
where love and compassion
had already taken root –
my mind protected by a gate of
incredible goodness, the only pleasure
I’ll happily increase in samsara’s garden
where running never yields escape
for the iron fence is the nature
of the mind – presently misunderstood
so hope,
hope that yields to faith
is what transforms my dream
because I must believe that
change is possible, is real
to make progress, effort, heal
I trust my Spiritual Guide’s instructions
for I put them to the test
and when hope transformed to purest
Faith, I see they are the best
and still my foolish mind cannot
afford to rest
because I was the mind of
unnecessary disappointment today
the utmost waste of breath
when each and every thing that’s ripened
has been for my swift path’s benefit
so this too I will transform
and birth love so great it shall
become the norm, even if time be brief
we have so little to work with,
yet there’s so much we can achieve
if we hold correct belief
so, still I see the disappointment
my mind claims as mine – though truly
I could do without, here, add to that list
my deluded doubt
I know my happiness doesn’t lie here,
and still I mourn a temporary loss –
so instead, I donate
these mistaken minds to the cause,
the cause of the effect, the only one
I wish to possess, the greatest mind
of precious Enlightenment
(for others’ benefit, may I forever cease
these horrible, painful minds of suffering)
If waiting is confusion
I must take constant action
always moving, the Tim Kennedy way,
making meaning of each moment
remembering each pain
How else will I wish to escape?
How else will I make effort to change?
A traveler bound for futures lives
knows she does not rest
intention fills each moment,
causes for future effects
Why not make them virtuous,
choosing happiness instead?
We constantly plan our suffering
as if carefully ripening its seed
whatever fruit or thorn befalls us,
we first reach forth to blame
How will we become wiser
while prioritizing our fame?
How will we help others
while wallowing in our shame?
We should make meaning of our life
short and precious and rare
We should grasp this opportunity
instead of yielding to our fear
Will you rise to the occasion?
Enjoy all moments as they pass?
Understanding true causes
I just rejoice and laugh
smart mouth, ignorant mind
quick to speak, quick to die
life too brief, running out of time
creating causes to ever find
endless suffering
why me?
fast talk, soft skin
feel without, see within
fast decisions, a life of sin
feel samsara hook you in
with attachment
why not me?
as I seek the highest highs
I learn the lowest lows
then suddenly sink lower
than I’d ever thought I’d go
the lower realms
not again
yet always I’m forgetting
the causes of my pain
making all escape attempts
nothing but in vain
putting me to shame
again
the blue of Mount Meru
reflects into our sky
all the flesh and bones
of all my lives gone by
exceed its mass
and still, again,
I try
We live in the Unforgetting World
Unforgetting
You hear the word
you ask what it means
A man in a dress tells you it means
we never forget our attachments
What’s an attachment, you wonder
as your background in sales leads you to believe
it’s an item you attach to your primary sale
in essence, you should upsell three attachments
with each cell phone (case, cable, warranty)
There are no guarantees,
the man in the robes says
except that you won’t forget
your attachments
You learn:
Attachment is the mind that exaggerates
the positive qualities of an object
(attachment loves ignoring red flags)
attachment spins a deceitful fairy tale:
it claims the object is the source of your happiness
And we believe this tall tale
despite all contradicting evidence
we love to ignore evidence
when it does not corroborate our stories
You walk away
You begin to forget
what the wise man said
almost immediately
You think:
I am forgetting
I must live in the forgetting world
I have forgotten what I ate for breakfast
I have forgotten what I did yesterday
god only knows what I did last month
I only remember things I’ve labelled special
I only remember what I’ve done
in accordance with its repetition
When you ask me who I love,
I say friends and family
because they are familiar, and the answer
is engraved on our hearts over lifetimes, infinite
I have forgotten almost everything about my life
who I was, who I’ve been, the characters I’ve played
and the friends I used to have
All I have is the present
and if I think about what I can remember
at any given moment
it is my attachments
It seems it is the only thing
I can remember
Like some sick joke on our weak human minds
that a mental factor could purport such wicked lies
and how could we not remember that
we’ve fallen into such traps before!?
How can we keep forgetting
we are betrayed forevermore?
Until the cycle, the pattern ends
until disrupted, samsara bends
and finally breaks
You remember the man,
in the dress, in the robes
he gave you a liberating gift
an opportunity to see the truth
By seeing differently and remembering
I am ever unforgetting
The Unforgetting World (podcast)
Often I find myself liking something
or labeling an experience as pleasant
for the enjoyment of making a kind
connection with another, a friend
We yearn for that connection
with another soul out there, out there
separate and halved like an apple, pear
fruit plucked unripe from the tree
while a love fell too soon
from her own broken branch —
will they rot together in the after?
They will rot in this life nonetheless
We strive for connection
by rearranging external circumstances
just so, so we can reach out
touch another, their heart, their skin
we yearn to touch another’s
separate skin, slick and spoiled, soft
so soft and external as smells and sounds
of summertime’s sadness, smooth as
Regina Spektor’s Russian indie blues
We say to our lonely, ignorant selves
it just couldn’t be my vast mind,
ocean-like and empty,
as all phenomena which appear
from this root mind, mixed with
all sentient beings, and Buddhas
Knowing this! while knowing this
and believing this, part-heartedly,
I gather the search party — a fellowship
on a journey to happiness — ever-forgetting
the story of the ring was this:
Goodness is in all men, all beings.
The ring — rather, the desire for the ring corrupted the hearts of men, and the hearts of other beings. In an attempt to attain this dark power, unthinkable negative actions were committed in unimaginable numbers which led to the destruction of peaceful existence, threatening to pitch everyone into the hellish suffering of Mordor’s merciless rule.
The protagonist’s goals never encompassed creating goodness — that already exists within all men. The goal was rather to overcome evil, to strive to be virtuous and honorable, to protect good at all costs. Because it is the right thing to do and yields the best results for other beings, beings we love.
The goal is to sacrifice the individual self that cannot attain happiness alone (and that will eventually steal happiness from others). The goal is to simply destroy the evil within.
When evil is destroyed, all that is left is good.
Knowing this! while knowing this
and believing this whole-heartedly
I change my external actions so
I cease grasping at the imagination
of my dreamlike reality and instead
create the internal causes to
evolve my mind completely,
to experience the truth directly
and to help all living beings in turn
completely inseparable from me
at my invincible heart
I sit
in what should be peace
I have a mostly happy mind and yet
not knowing how to feel
amongst constant mistaken discrimination
I stare longingly into the sky
cold press of flat rusted metal bars
under my calves
lukewarm Bengal Spice on my tongue
splashed on my knee
messy me
dark periwinkle birds, raptors
highlighted in pink and gold
dance and dive, painted as clouds
across the sky
part of me wants to cry
and that’s the seeds of delusions for you
because in reality
my mind is peaceful and content
and I have no problems
Oh! How I long for a problem!
so my mind searches and searches
and it detects a sadness that was only a seedling
and I tendered the seed of sadness until
now I could pluck at any time a flower
with each its own story of sorrow
and right now my mine is one of loneliness
the most stupid delusion of all because,
rooted in self-grasping ignorance,
it pushes me toward attachment along
a line of inappropriate attention
here now I’m hooked
on something I’ve never known, never seen
another unfulfilled desire has its evil hold on me
in another I cannot find, I can’t foresee
here I’m hooked
on suffering – making a terrifying joke
out of another precious lifetime
so while I sit and wish and wait
on Dharma I will meditate
knowing with blessings karma’s Fates
will be only kind
I dedicate my merit
feel sad, feel compassion
and with only bliss now cry
Why do I feel so sad
to release my suffering?
I know its source! And still!
I cling like stickseed
burred burdens born
impossible to remove
without wisdom realizing
the true nature of all things
impermanent
not existing inherently
so what does that mean
when I cling so
to this suffering
inborn familiarity
infinite lifetimes old
makes 21 day habits
impossibly young
and still, we must
abide by these present
physical laws in order
to attain the higher
understandings and escape
of ultimate Enlightenment
for the benefit of
all living beings
the only way to make
any meaning of my
present suffering
If you yourself are free from self concern, you will find it much easier to perform virtuous actions such as caring for others.
From Geshe-la’s texts and the perspective of karma, consider first the disadvantages of cherishing oneself alone.
Then consider the many advantages of cherishing others – including creating a future life free from terrible suffering and one in which you are receiving good care when “you” need it.
Remember, it is NOT selfish for you to do something to relieve your FUTURE suffering. You have a hundred selfs every moment. The self in the future tomorrow and the self in ten years are completely different selfs than the ones being experienced now.
Even still, we say “my self” as though there is one, consistently the same, and never-ending, changeless self. We believe that there is a solid personality that defines who “I am” in any given moment. People see a “me” when they look at me.
While we maintain identification with this unchanging “self”, “me”, or “I”, in the same unmindful breath we are striving to change, become better, or alter our circumstances.
That necessarily demands change. A changeable self! Many selfs. A new one each moment.
How can we hold such contradicting views and expect good progress? Yes, We are going one step forward, but always backward at the same time. At best, we are standing still. Then what proof do we have that we have performed any effort at all? Where lies our virtue? Our happiness?
We must start seeing the hypocrisy in our own mind, and simply call it out. We should get used to talking to ourself in a world that seems to forbid peaceful moments. We can reflect when we have a moment:
“It’s not selfish to do something that will improve my happiness tomorrow. In fact, it is much more virtuous to do that instead of giving myself some kind of instant gratification now. If I feel any pleasure at all from immediately satisfying my desires, it wears off right away. It is far more satisfying to work towards a happier self tomorrow than to waste this moment on mindless indulgence.
By changing my ways, I am training my mind and benefiting not only my future selfs but all living beings.
How wonderful.”
If you are able to release, even a little, at grasping that there is only one changeless self, “you” (“me”) then you can bless the minds of your future selfs. You can do something to benefit yourself tomorrow, and start practicing the easiest way to be selfless: taking care of the future “you” you think you see every day.
Although this is just a beginner practice, the goal is to get your mind accustomed to doing two things:
1) stop seeing your “self” (“me”) as a constant, unchanging thing
2) be selfless with yourself then others
You can acknowledge it is not selfish to enjoy something that you worked for, or waited for patiently, or performed virtue to receive. In fact, the only way we experience enjoyments is by performing virtuous actions which are the actual cause and catalyst for happiness. Delaying gratification is a supremely important practice in a time when we demand gratification be instant. It reminds us that the true causes of my happiness are my previous actions of virtue such as giving to others, caring for others when they were ill, teaching others how to be happy, rejoicing… It reminds us that there is still a space between the good deeds we perform and the rewards we receive – and we will definitely receive the effects.
Since we may only encounter a few beings a day, even if we work in a busy environment or include all the insects we pass by, we can take advantage of the time we already spend cherishing ourselfs by changing the object of our cherishing (me, right now) to a different object (ex. me, tomorrow). We are with our selfs all day long! It is important that we start thinking, “How can I benefit myself tomorrow?” “How can I make myself happier next week?” INSTEAD OF “How can I satisfy my craving/hunger/thirst/desire right now?”
We should seek to help others, and put them first whenever we encounter other living beings. Eventually we will abandon the deceptive “me,” altogether. But until we become high level Great Scope practitioners, during the time we are not with others, we can do things to benefit our future selfs like planning meals for the week, getting difficult items off our to-do lists to prevent stress arising, seeking out challenges that help us grow (learning a new skill, exercising), and, of course, meditating!
Although we all wish to be free from self-grasping, we must acknowledge we have it until we attain a direct realization of emptiness – and purify all the imprints of ignorance. Until then, we will grasp. So why not use it to our advantage and travel this path swiftly while at the same time destroy its power to harm us while we train our minds to become invincible?
When is the last time you celebrated doing the “right” thing even when it was difficult? We should experience this challenge daily if we wish to become stronger people. If we wish to become Spiritual Warriors.
Don’t forget to celebrate your spiritual victories. That’s what introspection, journaling and sangha (spiritual friends) are for!
May your path be blessed.
The Halfwit Writer 