Category: Poetry

Categories
Buddhism Dreams Poetry

cursed & okay

could it be worth the pain?
sure it could hurt (does hurt)
but it always can! (and will!)
samsara’s blessing, and its curse!

there’s always suffering
it’s always there
agony & heartache
these endless cares

unfulfilled wishes
we ain’t some dying breed
we’ve been wishing and craving
burning with need

since beginningless time
(that’s time without beginning)
we’ve been lost in self-grasping
our delusions are winning

then enter love, a virtue
not some object of wanting
but a wish for your happiness
not taking, not haunting

like once, a vampire sucked
my energy, my time, my luck
even when I yearned to fuck
he made me feel yuck, yuck, yuck

no more! I just yearn to give
I wish to love, to laugh to live
and even though I know it hurts
I just think it could be worse

so I’m willing to try and bear such pain
I’m even willing to go insane
(okay, never mind…I’m already there)
and I really wish I didn’t care!

but it seems I don’t have a choice
and I have a lot of choices –
normally – a lot of control
not over external matters of course…

but in this dream world,
control over matters of mind
apparently not matters of the heart
but definitely matters when being kind

alright I want to wrap this up
like a Christmas gift, my loving cup
a trophy that I wish to offer
filled with jewels as if a coffer

and yet, I awaken from the dream
to grasp at less than air between
this reality, mind-made, of you, of me
and now give up the fantasy

because it’s never worth the pain
it’s never worth the endless grasping
it’s never worth insanity
or the infinite, familiar clasping

and on this evening drear and gloomy
under clouds all grey and doomy
I curse my love life, I confess to crime
I accept the loss, and I’ll do the time

Categories
Poetry Video

Coming Back Together

Once upon a time
I had another life
I had another job
I was to be a wife
and when the whole damn world
thought to come crashing down
I put on my big girl pants
and turned up my music loud
so this other life dissolved
and that job did disappear
the man was just a con
so I faced the loneliness I feared
what a gift that was
because it led me to this place
where the feeling is familiar
though I’ve met a different face
I thought I’d lost the rhythm
I thought I’d lost the rhyme
but I’ve found the dance again
will you help me keep the time?
I just can’t fight this feeling
I just don’t have the will
you stirred the past in me
and ignited the music’s thrill
and though the past’s behind
and the future’s quite unclear
one thing is for certain
I’m letting go of this damn fear

I recorded the poem Come Together (2021) – check it out on Youtube now, or revisit the original post to read along.

Categories
Dreams Poetry

Feels Like Summer (poem)

It’s funny now to think
of all the things that bothered me
of all the pain and suffering
of all the time, temporary
of all the boredom and writing
                     (there was a lot of it)

of all the clouds that passed me by
of all the insults I let fly
of each and every teenage guy
that harassed me – pretty damn good
                    I gotta say

of all the humdrum slow sales days
of all the ones who got away
of all the patrons that did play
of all the couples, straight and gay
                    (had to use the rhyme)

of all the goddamn wasted time
of all the lemons and no lime
all of the coke, the hash, the crime
of getting the nickel not the dime
of all the puke, and dye and slime
of all the nights I spent awake
of all the pictures I did take
of all the muffins I did bake
of all the calmness I did fake
all for the goodness’ sake!

It’s funny now to think
that all that suffering
had its purpose and its place
carried me through this time and space
with a name I tried to lose, but stayed
with an identity that just won’t fade
with a childlike quality that wants to play
believing summer starts in May
wearing bare feet in the stream
ever remembering the dream
       (I’d never lose the Buddhist theme)

for while it helps me to escape
it helps me to survive
it helps me to help others
it helps me to be kind
it helps me be of service
it helps me to be strong
it helps me to be happy
it helps me to get along
it helps me every when
it helps me every where
it helps me every how
it helps to simply care

and certainly, when we met
It was my summer reappeared
all the pain and suffering
all the heartache, all the tears
all the happiness, the joy
all the hope and possibility
all the sunshine and noise
all the soft tranquility
all the disappointment
all the vanity
all the goddamn fears
all the animosity
all the craving and the yearn
all the cash I couldn’t earn
all the parties and the crash
all the littered trash
how did these memories appear
      dependent upon you?
how did all my hopes and dreams
      dissolve in summer’s blue?

NEW!
Listen to the poem on Youtube

Categories
Music Poetry Video

Hit Me | V7

can’t stand
this life on repeat
can’t stand
when past lives meet
can’t stand
a repetitive motion
or this god-forsaken devotion
I can hardly stand so little
that I can barely brag
how I roll with these hard punches
every moment, each goddamn day
yet I can’t really complain
for my path is so pure
I can only rejoice
and slight suffering endure
still if I could
I’d give just one last stand
for a night – or a moment –
of holding your hand
because I
can’t stand
this life on repeat
can’t stand
when past lives meet
& these silly lives just can’t remember
all prior moments tender
and choose to accept defeat
can’t stand
this should be me

Music: “I Turn My Camera On” by Rock Kills Kid
Video & Editing: K. Samways

Categories
Dreams Poetry

Needs to be Nothing

I need this to be nothing
I need this nothing now
I don’t need this to be anything
It doesn’t make sense anyhow

I need there to be silence
But I want there to be song
I need to not crave violence
But I want to scream along

I need this to be nothing
I need this feeling gone
I need this craving disappear
I know I’m always wrong

I thought to just ignore it
But it just won’t go away
I thought I could just kill it
But it thinks it can just stay

I need this to be nothing
Last time I will repeat
My heart will not survive
Another daring feat

I’m contemplating moving
I think I’ll up and flee
I’ll quit my job and join the force
And think of more than me —

But then I think it’s more than nothing
And get starting to believe
My heart might just survive this
— oh how I’m so naive!

So I need this to be nothing
So I can just move on
If only a new crush was found easily
I could make the feeling gone

NEW!
Listen to the poem on Youtube

Categories
Poetry

Another Bloody Craving (ABC)

(alternative title: The ABCs of Growing Up)

Thirst coming in clutch
comes on too strong
the energy’s too much
lasts far too long
                 yet never’s enough

I once yearned
for a spot of light
until I learned
some like to fight
                 such fortune earned

I bent backward
I yielded growth
I bent forward
I broke my oath,
                 agony endured

Fabricated not firm
appearance dreamlike
so in dream pain squirm
in fog we hike
                 confused we burn

One time, way back
I felt this way
so out of whack
the sky was gray
                 her love was lack

Now this heart resists
cracked and dejected
while slow time persists
this heart again rejected
                 knowing the risks

I don’t plan to push
of course, I’ll pray
I don’t plan to rush
as hasty visions fade away
                 you’ll catch me blush

At last to end on happy note
may my mind be clear
may my face emote
may I hold all beings dear
                 and refuge close
                 and may I be free

Categories
Music Poetry Video

Affliction | V6

you say, winter is coming
I say, it’s already here
you see I yearn to fight
I see you learned to fear

we both are afflicted
we both are afraid
we both wish to flee
so all delusions we obey

incurable and debilitating
until, a cure IS found
release the attachment
or crash to the ground

you say, winter is here
I say, it’s already passing
you see I yearn to love
yet it’s pain I’m amassing

we both fight affliction
we both shall be set free
we both feel the spark
but just you hold the key

Categories
Dreams Poetry Thirsty Thursday

Dream Poem 4 

Recently, I had a thirsty dream
     starring James Donald Forbes McCann
(let me tell you,
                  – it was nothing you could plan)

In this dream I complimented him
    then surprisingly he me
              (as in my poetry!)

Then, lo! I touched his arm
    then surprisingly he mine
    and beamingly he chimed:
It’s amazing, human touch,
          for connection 😉

James! You’re married!
                         I replied

And then I woke up,
        thirstier than before
  for another man

Sorry, for using you,
           James Donald Forbes McCann

Praying always for the success
              of your catamaran plan! Ho!

Categories
Dreams Poetry questions

How can I know?

I considered using a plant metaphor
           but I kill most plants

I don’t know anything about
growing leafy things
  only recent experience in
how to keep something alive

but I imagine a tiny sprout
protruding from the ground

I clearly see this sprout
I look around

                   – no one else notices –

I wonder what kind of plant it’s going to be
                              this little shoot

I start to wish it will become
              a wish-fulfilling tree

I know such trees exist, have existed
               in this world, in other worlds

and though rare, difficult to find,
               I know such saplings exist!

I cannot ask for anyone’s help,
  because even if this plantlet
is to become this rare tree,
no one will identify it correctly —
 it would be discarded! —
           and I just have this really strong
                                   feeling in my gut
that I have come across the growing sprout
                          of a wish-fulfilling tree!

I’m keen to protect it, and help it grow
       but I’m really really good
at killing all things green –

they don’t need help, it’s cyclical –

    and I really feel like I can’t talk
          about this rare treasure
with anyone I’ve met,
because, let’s be real,
people are, like, really good
at murdering dreams

so I just wish to myself,
              (pray)

         please, please may I have found
         a wish-fulfilling tree
         please, please, help me nurture it
         and please help me not kill it
         I know I’m so so so good at killing
         familiar with the action, as I’ve been
         please, don’t let me become
         attached to the idea of the tree
         that somehow wish-fulfilment will grant me
         happiness – I know it won’t!
         I know it is my virtue – but still!
         Think of all the good I could do,
         granting all those wishes,
         with wisdom of course

I would never abuse my power
          I act with self-lessness

and still, I confess
I do not have even the wisdom to know

what kind of sprout I have found
                            or if I have found
                                 anything at all

for I’m the only one who sees
this plant, so small

perhaps it is just a shadow
of desire that grows in the dirt

How can I know?

Categories
Poetry

Wish for Wisdom

(alternative title: fucking begging for it)

             I want to cry
how is it possible
             once again
to become an emotional wreck
     of titanic proportions
          at least still safely submerged
too sensitive
        so overly sensitive!

Please!
     Take the sensitivity away!

Sensory overload
          at the slightest touch
and now  — my imagination!
                     runs wildly & in wild ways
        away
I’m a wreck
characters swarm my mind
barking at me
to write them down
and I cannot find my pen
where has it gone?
again!?

I cannot be barked at
       any longer!
It doesn’t make me
       any stronger!

I try and try
       to not yearn to hear
words of kind sincerity
       but again,
like salt water to quench my thirst
       a taste and I am thirstier!
       a taste and I need more!

Tell me I’m good
Tell me I’m GOOD
TELL me I’m good
Tell me I’M good
Tell ME I’m good

Am I good?

    and even if you tell me
    it doesn’t matter like it should!

because it’s my mind
that’s not good enough

to see reality clearly
to see past the real lies
deceptive tears, I moan, he cries
and I want him to pay dearly
but it’s that very fucked up mind
that wishes to take from others
in a selfish way,
        to have others pay
                    for my debts owed –

No! No longer!

Although I cannot crucify myself
I can rectify by patiently accepting
while my inner voice still screams
           I wish I was invisible
           unknowable as I must be,
still the outer quiet spoke volumes
and the sound of silence resonates
reverberates off the walls
as darkness consumes
a single lamp put out
a black night falls
           I was not as patient as I could
     be I was not as kind as I would
like others to do unto me

A little dramatic, yes
(I wish I wasn’t so dramatic)
                     but nonetheless
it’s an artist’s reflection I see

                        Carry on

It’s not temporary happiness I crave
but full abandonment
of these unacceptable delusions
and the permanent happiness
resulting from the stainless mind
that realizes emptiness directly

                        Please!

Make my mind good