Tag: attachment

Categories
Poetry

lack of need

as in neurochemical warfare
this lack of need arises
I broadcast completeness
even as you redial your radius

do my cells respond differently
on this higher plane of functioning?
am I intimidating in this energy?
here, let me mix my mind with thee

let my coherent electromagnetic field
press through yours, transform the rooms
of your psychic home as I enter, invited
though I lack the vampirism you once desired

I do not fill voids, nor create them
I am expansion, a field of possibility
a humble being, deferential
do I operate in abundance?
                              yes! I do
do I create your potential?
                              no! you do

have I stepped into my power?
ever saying yes, ever saying no,
ever acknowledging limitless maybe sos,
feel my field around you grow
let it draw you in, ebb, flow
why resist?
           it is not your neediness
this attraction, enchanting pull
it’s purpose and purposeful
in this quantum entanglement,
                          there is always
fresh opportunity for plentitude
independent growth
                creation of abundance
with virtuous oath
        see this force of nature and rejoice!
rise to your own highest potential!

no one is responsible for me but me
there is no one for whom I lust or need
a statue of such purity
in body, mind, and speech is she
there is no one to save inside of me
don’t say that would threaten thee
for only strength could be my key

and please do not pretend to be
an interference pattern
to escape the thought of me
     and rocket off to Saturn
I do not plan to chase or run
for that is never any fun

I have no need for satisfaction
of temporary yearnings
I find kindness, love, and patience
offer far greater learnings

and yet!
     of course if proffered
it certainly would have me hot
                      not bothered

you want results?
just create causes
that’s what I do!
I show them the receipts
but keep my plans secret too

opt for resilience
growth and independence
never in childishness
    except in play, harming none!
       so plan to endure my completeness
                             and come undone!

our mission is not to fill holes or voids
       or other tedious contract work
but rather the happiness and joy
                        of sexy contact perks

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

never clingy, helpless nor hungry
never confusing love and greed
and still if you were simply wondering
I’m definitely a different breed
ever wishing to be free

and still not freed
from this lack of need

Categories
Buddhism Dreams Poetry

cursed & okay

could it be worth the pain?
sure it could hurt (does hurt)
but it always can! (and will!)
samsara’s blessing, and its curse!

there’s always suffering
it’s always there
agony & heartache
these endless cares

unfulfilled wishes
we ain’t some dying breed
we’ve been wishing and craving
burning with need

since beginningless time
(that’s time without beginning)
we’ve been lost in self-grasping
our delusions are winning

then enter love, a virtue
not some object of wanting
but a wish for your happiness
not taking, not haunting

like once, a vampire sucked
my energy, my time, my luck
even when I yearned to fuck
he made me feel yuck, yuck, yuck

no more! I just yearn to give
I wish to love, to laugh to live
and even though I know it hurts
I just think it could be worse

so I’m willing to try and bear such pain
I’m even willing to go insane
(okay, never mind…I’m already there)
and I really wish I didn’t care!

but it seems I don’t have a choice
and I have a lot of choices –
normally – a lot of control
not over external matters of course…

but in this dream world,
control over matters of mind
apparently not matters of the heart
but definitely matters when being kind

alright I want to wrap this up
like a Christmas gift, my loving cup
a trophy that I wish to offer
filled with jewels as if a coffer

and yet, I awaken from the dream
to grasp at less than air between
this reality, mind-made, of you, of me
and now give up the fantasy

because it’s never worth the pain
it’s never worth the endless grasping
it’s never worth insanity
or the infinite, familiar clasping

and on this evening drear and gloomy
under clouds all grey and doomy
I curse my love life, I confess to crime
I accept the loss, and I’ll do the time

Categories
Dreams Poetry

Needs to be Nothing

I need this to be nothing
I need this nothing now
I don’t need this to be anything
It doesn’t make sense anyhow

I need there to be silence
But I want there to be song
I need to not crave violence
But I want to scream along

I need this to be nothing
I need this feeling gone
I need this craving disappear
I know I’m always wrong

I thought to just ignore it
But it just won’t go away
I thought I could just kill it
But it thinks it can just stay

I need this to be nothing
Last time I will repeat
My heart will not survive
Another daring feat

I’m contemplating moving
I think I’ll up and flee
I’ll quit my job and join the force
And think of more than me —

But then I think it’s more than nothing
And get starting to believe
My heart might just survive this
— oh how I’m so naive!

So I need this to be nothing
So I can just move on
If only a new crush was found easily
I could make the feeling gone

NEW!
Listen to the poem on Youtube

Categories
Poetry

Another Bloody Craving (ABC)

(alternative title: The ABCs of Growing Up)

Thirst coming in clutch
comes on too strong
the energy’s too much
lasts far too long
                 yet never’s enough

I once yearned
for a spot of light
until I learned
some like to fight
                 such fortune earned

I bent backward
I yielded growth
I bent forward
I broke my oath,
                 agony endured

Fabricated not firm
appearance dreamlike
so in dream pain squirm
in fog we hike
                 confused we burn

One time, way back
I felt this way
so out of whack
the sky was gray
                 her love was lack

Now this heart resists
cracked and dejected
while slow time persists
this heart again rejected
                 knowing the risks

I don’t plan to push
of course, I’ll pray
I don’t plan to rush
as hasty visions fade away
                 you’ll catch me blush

At last to end on happy note
may my mind be clear
may my face emote
may I hold all beings dear
                 and refuge close
                 and may I be free

Categories
Dreams Poetry questions

How can I know?

I considered using a plant metaphor
           but I kill most plants

I don’t know anything about
growing leafy things
  only recent experience in
how to keep something alive

but I imagine a tiny sprout
protruding from the ground

I clearly see this sprout
I look around

                   – no one else notices –

I wonder what kind of plant it’s going to be
                              this little shoot

I start to wish it will become
              a wish-fulfilling tree

I know such trees exist, have existed
               in this world, in other worlds

and though rare, difficult to find,
               I know such saplings exist!

I cannot ask for anyone’s help,
  because even if this plantlet
is to become this rare tree,
no one will identify it correctly —
 it would be discarded! —
           and I just have this really strong
                                   feeling in my gut
that I have come across the growing sprout
                          of a wish-fulfilling tree!

I’m keen to protect it, and help it grow
       but I’m really really good
at killing all things green –

they don’t need help, it’s cyclical –

    and I really feel like I can’t talk
          about this rare treasure
with anyone I’ve met,
because, let’s be real,
people are, like, really good
at murdering dreams

so I just wish to myself,
              (pray)

         please, please may I have found
         a wish-fulfilling tree
         please, please, help me nurture it
         and please help me not kill it
         I know I’m so so so good at killing
         familiar with the action, as I’ve been
         please, don’t let me become
         attached to the idea of the tree
         that somehow wish-fulfilment will grant me
         happiness – I know it won’t!
         I know it is my virtue – but still!
         Think of all the good I could do,
         granting all those wishes,
         with wisdom of course

I would never abuse my power
          I act with self-lessness

and still, I confess
I do not have even the wisdom to know

what kind of sprout I have found
                            or if I have found
                                 anything at all

for I’m the only one who sees
this plant, so small

perhaps it is just a shadow
of desire that grows in the dirt

How can I know?

Categories
Poetry

Wish for Wisdom

(alternative title: fucking begging for it)

             I want to cry
how is it possible
             once again
to become an emotional wreck
     of titanic proportions
          at least still safely submerged
too sensitive
        so overly sensitive!

Please!
     Take the sensitivity away!

Sensory overload
          at the slightest touch
and now  — my imagination!
                     runs wildly & in wild ways
        away
I’m a wreck
characters swarm my mind
barking at me
to write them down
and I cannot find my pen
where has it gone?
again!?

I cannot be barked at
       any longer!
It doesn’t make me
       any stronger!

I try and try
       to not yearn to hear
words of kind sincerity
       but again,
like salt water to quench my thirst
       a taste and I am thirstier!
       a taste and I need more!

Tell me I’m good
Tell me I’m GOOD
TELL me I’m good
Tell me I’M good
Tell ME I’m good

Am I good?

    and even if you tell me
    it doesn’t matter like it should!

because it’s my mind
that’s not good enough

to see reality clearly
to see past the real lies
deceptive tears, I moan, he cries
and I want him to pay dearly
but it’s that very fucked up mind
that wishes to take from others
in a selfish way,
        to have others pay
                    for my debts owed –

No! No longer!

Although I cannot crucify myself
I can rectify by patiently accepting
while my inner voice still screams
           I wish I was invisible
           unknowable as I must be,
still the outer quiet spoke volumes
and the sound of silence resonates
reverberates off the walls
as darkness consumes
a single lamp put out
a black night falls
           I was not as patient as I could
     be I was not as kind as I would
like others to do unto me

A little dramatic, yes
(I wish I wasn’t so dramatic)
                     but nonetheless
it’s an artist’s reflection I see

                        Carry on

It’s not temporary happiness I crave
but full abandonment
of these unacceptable delusions
and the permanent happiness
resulting from the stainless mind
that realizes emptiness directly

                        Please!

Make my mind good

Categories
Dreams Poetry

On Being a Writer (this time)

I have entered the dream world
          it is dark
                  madness ensues
      I’ve come unglued
monsters lurk and
      a peculiar quirk
has taken hold of me
      reality      not what it seems

I have entered the dream state
           it passes over my waking eyes
a film, betraying a wild guise
      a darkness taking over me
absent     absent is the light
      in a nightmare world
full of haunting fright
         how could it feel so right!

I have entered the dream
  I see its walls surrounding me
seemingly limitless,
      yet I cannot run further
than my limitations
      in a meat puppet state
I cannot wait any longer
      to start becoming stronger
I must lucid make
            my dull dreaming mind
I cannot afford to become unkind
                             — not now! —
and forget …

I must remember the dream
             has taken hold of me
it’s pulled me in and under
and threatens to rip asunder
                        all that I’ve worked for
all that my continuum has worked for
                  to lose all I have and more
           futures of past work
            I cannot be the jerk
that throws it all away
and yet,
            I cannot be the one to stay

I must wake up!

Still, I have been pulled under
         I have metamorphosed as a cicada
to scratch my way to the surface,
      crawling above ground
            to birth such sound
and to shed such skin and skeleton
     like the selfless king
               abandons his crown!
while in samsara’s sea they drown
                                          no more

I must wake up!

In the dream world
     imagination is the creator
of all sights and sounds
   and smells and feels and fears
      and tastes and don’t forget
         the touches you don’t get
      — your mind creates those too
in the dream world
     the artist thrives or dies
depending on will and disposition
          — or is it now our despotism?
for it is time I must remind        
                                                   (who?)
      it’s  pure       imagination
         —    creepy factories aside    —

I have entered the dream world
     and so I say goodbye
to the ordinary people I once knew
   to the human race in which I grew
      to the good friends, in numbers few,
oh how when I write, I will miss you!
      but only a solo journey ensues
(the synonym is madness)
      for it’s certainly not entirely lonely
with all those characters arguing in there

          CAN YOU SHUT THE HELL UP
                   FOR JUST A SECOND
           SO I CAN PRETEND
                   TO BE NORMAL?

  Nope.

         Not fair.

This familiarity is based on
     past impressions
          with no guarantee of
     future impressions
           (& little return on investment)

            you think I’d shift gears

Alas! like so many lifetimes
       before me
                      I write
   I enter the dream state
                      I strive
   I will realize my mind
                      this time,
   with a qualified Spiritual Guide.

Categories
Dreams Poetry

Mere Imputation

The space in here
       it is not clear
though she says
       it’s clarity

My mind is fog
       for this is wrong
though she says
       it’s sanity

I hear a siren’s call
       – or a fire alarm?
as she sings
       it’s raining men

If she’s a storm
       I wish to be her wind
though she says
       such wish is sin

If I fall in
       I know I’m fucked
though she jokes
       you’re just a crook

It’s just a test
       as she laughs at me
now she says
       suffering need not be

If happiness is mind
       I generate it from within
now she sings
       the world is yours to win

Oh! Elusive happy mind!
       on what do you depend?
now she jokes
       it’s in your head!

The space in here
       it is not clear
though she says
       it’s clarity

My mind is fog
       for this is wrong
now she begs
       oh just kiss me!

Categories
Dreams Poetry

Giving Thanks to a Past-life Brother

Am I a menace?
A mara? A demon?
Will no one tell me?
Will they simply write a book about me
                 after I die?
Or will I be blasted into forgetful oblivion, purposefully?
What delight did I lack, will I lack,
                 force others to abandon
with my mara-induced delusions?
                  (autism, they call it now)
refusing responsibility – still!
     a demon to this day
     poor quality on display
Brother Fabjan, rescue me 🙏
please don’t make a mockery
     of my life’s work, of my plays
     of my dreadful mimicry,
the plagiarism of youth
in poor taste – ah! I know!
But despondency after death
     is a hell realm, and – alas! –
I was merely reborn human
again – ah! But not to torment you
still! A demon you say!
                  Oh brother Peter Fabjan!
                  You could not rescue me!
So this lifetime, I turn instead
to a Spiritual Guide,
Buddha Shakyamuni’s continuum,
and, in constant manifestation,
                  his teachers!
I am grateful, finally,
to shed this shadow of karma
which reeks of dreadful delusion,
     this familial mockery, betrayal
      – no doubt I returned or would return in kind –
finally, I get to cleanse such evil minds!
Alas! I am grateful!
Thank you, my brother

Categories
Love Letters Poetry

near miss

we were supposed to meet for coffee
when I showed up, half-past two
I rapped upon your door
I waited there for you
I knocked again, but harder
something clearly isn’t right
I knocked again then tried the lock
lacking manners, impolite
without permission, I enter
you’re nowhere to be found
the dishwasher’s running
but your meds aren’t around
I check the tub and closets
past life fears resurface
I wonder where you are
as suspicion makes me nervous
you were supposed to make me coffee
at half-past two
I was running late
but that I always do
I knew something was wrong
when I didn’t hear from you
we were supposed to share some coffee
at half-past two
not five minutes later
I’m standing on your lawn
I’m entering your home
as quiet as a fawn
I know something is missing
the dishwasher whirs its plight
I know you are not here
I know this isn’t right
we were supposed to meet for coffee
when I showed up half-past two
I was running late
as you know I always do
you’ve never found a fault
and how I did appreciate
your kindness and your patience
even in accepting unkind fate
and how I’d love to blame you
like everyone else will do
but I can’t find a seed of anger left
only compassion true
so, please, do not be lonely,
if you are alone tonight
know you are still loved
do not give up your fight
we were supposed to meet for coffee
at half-past two
but I ran a little late,
and I fear I just missed you