To feel too deeply
and to be unable to feel
are my two greatest sufferings
and to grasp at the feelings
as inherently existent
my greatest ignorance, their source
Tag: feeling
Categories
confusing conditions
built to be broken
& cracked down to dust
born to be suffered
offend and break trust
invented to abscond
tried to be trashed
told to fuck off
& thrashed for a laugh
samsara’s play buckles
pulls out all the stops
the audience participation
wallops a good punch
nonsense and dream world
collide innocent
how do awful things ripen?
can we prevent one torment?
it hurts so we harden
it pricks so we hack
all beauty to pieces
even though it doesn’t last
on its own
what pride can be held
in accomplishing the same
as time does with no effort
robbing us of each name
revenge becomes pointless
as our hearts become stone
I press, we must realize our mind
‘cause I can’t take this pain
all apparent losses
grief felt again and again
all relationships tarnish
all chaos lets loose
I thought this time was different
and so volunteered for the noose
but from this redundant perspective
it’s so easy to see
I was built to be broken
& caged to be freed
Categories
a week before the fall
a slothful orb ascends,
slowly across the southern sky
already missing its peak
it shirks responsibility,
no longer a light above by nine a.m.
in the yard, clocked shadows hold morning’s chill
while, with a furnace blast, blazing warmth is cast
lethally, from an expiring sun’s face
what a time of year
one of dread and fascination
a reverse magic of the spring takes place
dishearteningly unbelievable
everything once vital and green
withers away, as flames to ash
full bushes decay under still-blue skies
crosshatched with chem trails
autumn’s appearance should sting less
with each year of expectation
but the knife travels the same scar,
ripping the tissue open once more
spilling the crinkle of leaves, isolated chirps
icy rainfall spurts
there can be no love in autumn
what — love for a dying thing?
we expect spring’s rebirth in its vein
but it’s different
inconceivably so
as nothing can come back the same
taking its time, different life does grow
I no longer delight in season’s change
a witness to illness arising
and constant pain
raw attachment, unhooked anew,
broken hearts where love once grew
I cannot bear to face the task
of reliving seasons, to watch them pass
as all things slip like time in glass
my cageless prison, this life, outlasts
free me before I plunge once more
through autumn’s orange enchanted door
cold aversion ripening
grasping at inherent things
I know it’s wrong, so little worse
than self-cherishing
my ugly curse
may I be free before the fall
— just one more week
to see it all
correctly
Categories
Spring Renewal, an endless cycle
I can feel time slowly slipping through my fingers
frictionless to hold a second for a second moment
before falling through the ether into near nothingness
imprinted on continuum
a seed carried life to life
until conditions are right
to ripen the fruit on an unsuspecting self
— I am sorry
But how can it be helped?
I cannot squeeze this self into another
instead I chip away at delusions
from the inside out
destroying deluded doubt
and always at play
never a day spent away from refuge
and still I fight a deluge
of intense suffering
always threatening
to drown a silly me
how can it be
at war with three
extract My poisons, please!
Oh doctor of holy medicine,
I am a sick being
full of rotten feeling
still misunderstanding compassion
still giving with miserly ration
still confused at apparent separation
what can I do
I sit and contemplate emptiness
I feel like less and less
I can impress others
I merely offend
with no ability to comprehend
how meaningless it all is
without a pure intention
to worry about such brief condition
when I could be creating
a beautiful future feeling
and care for other instead
please, mend my broken head
Please, mend my broken heart
so that I may finally start
to love, to give happiness
and understand what comes does part
although appearing, no longer relating
to mistaken imputation
and while all expectations break
and friends do talk and fuck and fake
until the joy becomes real
and pain is permanently healed
may my pure virtue be revealed
through blessings be shared
and eventually may I care
only for other, selflessly
give me such pure appearance
so with happiness, I’ll dance
and, just perhaps,
give pure love chance after chance
Categories
Question 3
Where do you feel the music?
07.03.20
Categories
mistaken identity
I’m sorry
have we met before?
you say you know me?
I don’t think so
I don’t remember your face
I don’t remember your feel
and though you seem congenial enough
I can’t be sure the emphasis isn’t on con
for you act like you know me
I can assure you, you do not
you talk like I can read your mind
I assure you I cannot
you walk like I know you
I assure you I forgot
you look in my eyes and I think you try
to put a thought in my head
but my soul is dead
and I’m filled with dread
amongst this bread
it’s crummy really
but I can’t!
I cannot read your thoughts
I know not how you feel
I feel not what you know
I hear not what you sow
I quietly mind my own business
so how surprised am I
when I see a glint in your eye
as if responding to mine
as if I should try!
try what?
I cannot try any harder
I can’t try anymore!
I feel as though I’m nerve-wracked
and body-wrecked upon unknown shore
I never knew another soul existed
and I wouldn’t, couldn’t trust one here
so excuse me, though you have insisted
I don’t think we’ve before been near
and though I find it’s hard resisted
I don’t think we’ll love sincere
though I bet your touch starts fire
and somehow sets my heart aflame
I hope I lose this damn desire
for you’re a stranger, only friend in claim
so I must say, I’m sorry sir
I haven’t got the time
though by some you’re called master
it’s your imagination, not mine
I wish I knew a bit more, boy
like who you think I am
I wish I knew your mind, man
there’s no mistake I’d be a fan
though you’ve mistaken my identity
mistook me for somebody else
I became curious, intrigued
fuck it all! it can’t be helped
Once upon a time
I had another life
I had another job
I was to be a wife
and when the whole damn world
thought to come crashing down
I put on my big girl pants
and turned up my music loud
so this other life dissolved
and that job did disappear
the man was just a con
so I faced the loneliness I feared
what a gift that was
because it led me to this place
where the feeling is familiar
though I’ve met a different face
I thought I’d lost the rhythm
I thought I’d lost the rhyme
but I’ve found the dance again
will you help me keep the time?
I just can’t fight this feeling
I just don’t have the will
you stirred the past in me
and ignited the music’s thrill
and though the past’s behind
and the future’s quite unclear
one thing is for certain
I’m letting go of this damn fear
I recorded the poem Come Together (2021) – check it out on Youtube now, or revisit the original post to read along.
I need this to be nothing
I need this nothing now
I don’t need this to be anything
It doesn’t make sense anyhow
I need there to be silence
But I want there to be song
I need to not crave violence
But I want to scream along
I need this to be nothing
I need this feeling gone
I need this craving disappear
I know I’m always wrong
I thought to just ignore it
But it just won’t go away
I thought I could just kill it
But it thinks it can just stay
I need this to be nothing
Last time I will repeat
My heart will not survive
Another daring feat
I’m contemplating moving
I think I’ll up and flee
I’ll quit my job and join the force
And think of more than me —
But then I think it’s more than nothing
And get starting to believe
My heart might just survive this
— oh how I’m so naive!
So I need this to be nothing
So I can just move on
If only a new crush was found easily
I could make the feeling gone
Categories
Wish for Wisdom
(alternative title: fucking begging for it)
I want to cry
how is it possible
once again
to become an emotional wreck
of titanic proportions
at least still safely submerged
too sensitive
so overly sensitive!
Please!
Take the sensitivity away!
Sensory overload
at the slightest touch
and now — my imagination!
runs wildly & in wild ways
away
I’m a wreck
characters swarm my mind
barking at me
to write them down
and I cannot find my pen
where has it gone?
again!?
I cannot be barked at
any longer!
It doesn’t make me
any stronger!
I try and try
to not yearn to hear
words of kind sincerity
but again,
like salt water to quench my thirst
a taste and I am thirstier!
a taste and I need more!
Tell me I’m good
Tell me I’m GOOD
TELL me I’m good
Tell me I’M good
Tell ME I’m good
Am I good?
and even if you tell me
it doesn’t matter like it should!
because it’s my mind
that’s not good enough
to see reality clearly
to see past the real lies
deceptive tears, I moan, he cries
and I want him to pay dearly
but it’s that very fucked up mind
that wishes to take from others
in a selfish way,
to have others pay
for my debts owed –
No! No longer!
Although I cannot crucify myself
I can rectify by patiently accepting
while my inner voice still screams
I wish I was invisible
unknowable as I must be,
still the outer quiet spoke volumes
and the sound of silence resonates
reverberates off the walls
as darkness consumes
a single lamp put out
a black night falls
I was not as patient as I could
be I was not as kind as I would
like others to do unto me
A little dramatic, yes
(I wish I wasn’t so dramatic)
but nonetheless
it’s an artist’s reflection I see
Carry on
It’s not temporary happiness I crave
but full abandonment
of these unacceptable delusions
and the permanent happiness
resulting from the stainless mind
that realizes emptiness directly
Please!
Make my mind good
Categories
Lost Life Loss
a memory
it is not mine
upon a log I sit
‘neath the snowy pine
under darkened sky
beside earthen stove
a bitter wind kicks up
in the moonlit grove
the jingle of the horse & sleigh
as it carries him so far away
I cannot weep, I do not cry
a muted heart is breaking
and as the silence lies
a frozen bough is snapping – loud
to crack the quiet
still, expected in the freeze
I do not startle, there is no breeze
no wind at back to impel me
my bones have stiffened here
my mind is anything but clear
as the winter’s solitude
forces delusions rather rude
inner quietude never did follow outer
now it’s simply easier to hear
internal screaming
though the fire burns, continuous
it takes us not
because it cannot reach
what we refuse we got
buried below
alive and dead
some peace & love
blessings bestowed
how are these all stripped from me?
as he plods on down the snowy path
I know he won’t be coming back
so I’m wrecked to watch him leave
though it is not my memory
The Halfwit Writer 