Categories
Dreams Poetry

Giving Thanks to a Past-life Brother

Am I a menace?
A mara? A demon?
Will no one tell me?
Will they simply write a book about me
                 after I die?
Or will I be blasted into forgetful oblivion, purposefully?
What delight did I lack, will I lack,
                 force others to abandon
with my mara-induced delusions?
                  (autism, they call it now)
refusing responsibility – still!
     a demon to this day
     poor quality on display
Brother Fabjan, rescue me 🙏
please don’t make a mockery
     of my life’s work, of my plays
     of my dreadful mimicry,
the plagiarism of youth
in poor taste – ah! I know!
But despondency after death
     is a hell realm, and – alas! –
I was merely reborn human
again – ah! But not to torment you
still! A demon you say!
                  Oh brother Peter Fabjan!
                  You could not rescue me!
So this lifetime, I turn instead
to a Spiritual Guide,
Buddha Shakyamuni’s continuum,
and, in constant manifestation,
                  his teachers!
I am grateful, finally,
to shed this shadow of karma
which reeks of dreadful delusion,
     this familial mockery, betrayal
      – no doubt I returned or would return in kind –
finally, I get to cleanse such evil minds!
Alas! I am grateful!
Thank you, my brother

Categories
Buddhism Philosophy Poetry

What is man?

Man
ignorant being
lucky opportunity
nearly impossible to find
how stupid to throw it away

Is man stupid?

Man argues about
what to be called
how to be perceived
       as if possible to control
externally!

Man abandons his own mind
aids his own demise
has every chance at happiness
but cannot wait
for temporary satisfaction to subside
before another yearning must arise
                    chase    chase      chase     die!

Just watch!

What is man?

A near-beast, I am
though, for the first time
seeing the trap
I have the instructions
a treasure route, escape map
as man, as woman
        it matters not!

Only that we try
                               and we do try!
to grasp this
nearly impossible to find
lucky opportunity
non-ignorant being
man

Categories
Buddhism Good Fortune Poetry

Reliance

I am happy
despite circumstances

I am strong
despite my gloom

I am calm
despite storm

I am fearless
despite impending doom

I am giving
despite my poverty

I am glad
despite my lack

I am friendly
despite loneliness

I progress
despite setback

I give with bodhichitta
I give fearlessness and love
I give Dharma and materials
I offer sun and moon above

I offer each and every moment
of pure practice, I transform
I abandon all delusions
and only virtue I perform

But how could I achieve this?
         certainly not alone
only through my Spiritual Guide,
and the Three Jewels upon his throne

Categories
Love Letters Poetry

near miss

we were supposed to meet for coffee
when I showed up, half-past two
I rapped upon your door
I waited there for you
I knocked again, but harder
something clearly isn’t right
I knocked again then tried the lock
lacking manners, impolite
without permission, I enter
you’re nowhere to be found
the dishwasher’s running
but your meds aren’t around
I check the tub and closets
past life fears resurface
I wonder where you are
as suspicion makes me nervous
you were supposed to make me coffee
at half-past two
I was running late
but that I always do
I knew something was wrong
when I didn’t hear from you
we were supposed to share some coffee
at half-past two
not five minutes later
I’m standing on your lawn
I’m entering your home
as quiet as a fawn
I know something is missing
the dishwasher whirs its plight
I know you are not here
I know this isn’t right
we were supposed to meet for coffee
when I showed up half-past two
I was running late
as you know I always do
you’ve never found a fault
and how I did appreciate
your kindness and your patience
even in accepting unkind fate
and how I’d love to blame you
like everyone else will do
but I can’t find a seed of anger left
only compassion true
so, please, do not be lonely,
if you are alone tonight
know you are still loved
do not give up your fight
we were supposed to meet for coffee
at half-past two
but I ran a little late,
and I fear I just missed you

Categories
Good Fortune Poetry

Ordinary Existence

I hate this lifetime
                 she says

With all the instructions
         and all the conditions?
Why?
        How could you hate such fortune?

Because all the people
            I have ever known,
                            ever loved
                in all my lives
           have forgotten me

Not only
          do they not remember
our love, shared,     our words
                        our bonds …
they are all sick, wounded, dying
this vision becomes a nightmare
   threatens lives I care about
      makes me hate my own
and then I see
        I am the maker and destroyer
but never more a life-enjoyer
       — at least not this life anyway
this one with pain that’s here to stay
   because that is samsara’s way
      first it gives and then it takes
breath, floods, fires, earthquakes,
      fortune, time, fame, mistakes, and
breath

It all comes rushing in and then
                                    it goes

Absent is the gentle flow,
                        of another life
                  one in which I failed
          one where I succumbed to strife
          for otherwise this appearance
                        wouldn’t be
                             (couldn’t be)

So which delusion can I blame
   for producing this life, this name
I happily give up for happiness
   a wisdom realizing emptiness
                  I’m tired of grief’s game
        set me free!

While with wisdom, I reflect,
   I find… I hate this lifetime
                                all the same
           but despite its constant pain
             not a moment spent in vain

I will escape

Categories
Buddhism Good Fortune Poetry

An Offering

In the New Kadampa Tradition, we perform a practice called Offering to the Spiritual Guide on the 10th and 25th day of each month. Typically practitioners meet to recite chanted prayers and bring food and flower offerings to our Spiritual Guide. This verse is my offering.

~~~

Sometimes I feel
          I was built to handle anything
                          limitless potential
                                   powerful, strong

Other times, too sensitive
          to get along
                          difficult to get by
                          or even make do
          I don’t want for much
                    and yet there’s never enough
          and the disappointment’s strong

Am I made up of feeling,
                                     mistaken discrimination?

Why can I never make contact
                   when I try & touch
                              another,     soft   skin
                                                   — lost
                     gone          by the time I’m there

                                 it’s only    air

                    and though it’s space I crave,
                                          it’s a high cost

tears, sorrow
                         yet goodbye to rage
             I’ve freed myself from anger’s cage
                         yet sadness remains here
                                          all the same
                         delusions wrong,
                                                  familiar, strong
             I beg them leave
                                please do not stay!

I see a face
             familiar shape,
                     I know that walk
             I’ve seen that gait
                     I recognize that stride
             he takes his time
                     if he has rhythm,
                                  I have his rhyme
             and false reason
                              keeps us apart —
             though why should we meet
             when every greeting
                          ends the same way
             goodbye, depart until
                           some other day

So though I want to beg & cry
      & sit & pretend I don’t know why
             this pain, though here, won’t stay
           it’s mere causes created
                            now ripened seeds
                   appearing here as suffering
          yearning great as I’ve felt before
                    wishing there was something more
                    while this vision reveals all
          it’s just my mind
                         it’s not out there,
                                       though it’s appearing
                                                       everywhere

I can write it down
                     I can share some words
             & still the truth remains unheard
         for causes we don’t create
                   to sit still    ,     think    ,    concentrate
          on something more virtuous than hate
                    why can’t we learn to meditate
                                       on happiness & love?
                     How is that too hard    (as I’ve heard
                                                                 whiners complain)
                                          & my heart breaks

So sensitive, so still
            so patiently I work,     I wait
       as effortful seeds
                     I do create
                        and generously dedicate
                     for others’ joy
                                          & may hearts heal   
                                   anvil  strong
                                               unbreakable & vajra-like
                                                            until
                                                    Enlightenment.

Categories
Poetry

Part of it all: II

(continued from)

<2>

I sit still
      what need for I of movement,
      when it is all around?

water flows, ripples, pools
          invisible evaporation
          before my lazy eyes

I cannot see, so I do not know
            although, given wisdom,
              my knowledge grows

      — is it in my heart?

               —  this long lost art?

                     of reading
            nature ,    no partless part

so ignorant throughout my lives,
    destined & pulled
          to revisit the same
                                suffering

so close     to feeling it end,
    almost!      against delusions defend
  try again!     after each failure
                & I haven’t truly lost
        one more try until I win
                        at my life’s cost

                   to be a part of it all

Categories
Buddhism Dreams Poetry

osprey

      I see     
              an osprey kick a gull in the head
        & catch a fish
                          this morning

                         emerge            compassion
                  for   attachment
                              killing
                      though   thought  rare sight
                                —  such common poison!

emptiness
          a play of light
                        arises before me
                                  due to mind

it’s only mind

      I must endure
                just one more day  —
    time to love & time to play 

      I must endure     this suffering
              for I have caused it
                    that I see

       these imprints strong
                self-grasping   me

       like clouds appear
              in a summer sky
      seeming so blue
                          in my sense’s eye
        and clouds so white
              appear to dance
              changing shape
              and circumstance
        with one another
                scenes create
        a turkey vulture roosts
                while whales tempt fate
                to swim so high
                        up in the sky
                    it almost makes me
                                  question why
                    I feel that I can wait
                        to truly escape
                this earthly suffering
                finding no one here
        who is happier than me

                finding no couple who’s truly at peace
            seeing no being that moves with ease

           observing not one who can work together
        without hatred, attachment, greed

     should I give up?     — No!

                 I’ll change my aspiration instead

I aspire to be truly happy, a    pure   example

     & although I wish for another by my side
        one who would face the changing tide,
                      I know in another I cannot seek
                any joy or peace to be —
                            for it all must come from me

     & although I strive to give & give
                      in humanness, I can’t let go
        of my own unfulfilled hunny-do list —
            this deluded partner, lazy, low —
            by whose esteem I now accomplish
            many of my deeds  — instead of
                saving for me,   a pure aspiration
            —  enlightenment for all,   equally

     & although a man in measure
    may grant me earthly pleasure
            there’s not a time I can recall
      unmixed with poison from the fall

      an apple sweet, an apple tart
            both eventually rot & fall apart
            never singular, & still
              each wish we’d like it to fulfill

      the flavourful & wellness start
      healthy gut, balanced,    body art

this world is crazy, bizarre, insane —
                & if I believe I can lay the blame
                                with anyone else,
                      I’ve already failed

so instead I vow to see, in each & every irony
    a new teaching, a blessing,       gift
        in each disturbance,     every rift

a chance to see things appear to fall apart
                    never once one thing
                                      except in name
          and with delusions I lay all blame

self-cherishing, self-grasped —
                              in dependence, same

I am so tired of samsara’s games
                              I quit

on to Enlightenment, charging forth
                      with Dharma’s wealth

   I’m collecting merit for good health 

for long, long years in which to help
              all beings do the same

   to happiness, I now lay claim

watching the gulls upon the bend
          leaves me with these words to send
                                                        to you

thank you for your time,
          and love,    and coming to this place
        may your mind be ever blessed
                        with peace & happiness
                               

Categories
Buddhism Philosophy Poetry

determination

I am only a witness,
        transparent eye
a non judgemental mirror —
          or at least a mirror who keeps
          her judgments to herself

I am the nursery rhyme before it’s written,
        the angel before the fall
        the dream before the nightmare
        the ring before the call

I hear the future coming,
          still feel the distant past,
  see outcomes from our actions
              that for years & years will last

I weep for sad beginnings
            I laugh at mad hellos
  see insanity all around us
        and suffering only grow

I am ready to escape this
        ready to depart
        ejecting all attachment
        burning all my art

I have not one creation
          of which I am proud
  except those that come from virtue,
              those soundless,
              those I’ve vowed

I sow these seeds in silence
          for my words have caused much pain
          all contaminated actions
               seemingly in vain
          (* focus on intention *)

I hear the whistle blow,
          a hundred miles from home
  smell the fields of mountain thyme
            growing round the purple heather
  and still cannot decide
                if to stay or go

                        until I walk the streets
                see the suffering
                hear the cries
                smell the stink
                feel the terror
                taste the drink

then it all comes rushing back,
          each and every pleasure,
                    that I’ve had it all before
      —     it’s time to think!
                   I cannot do this anymore!
I won’t!

So with reliance, offering, requesting,
            my life I do lay down
                  only for something better
            more meaningful, profound

      with diligent, stable practice
              (which, finally, I’ve found)
              and compassionate, loving heart
              I fall upon the Bodhisattva’s ground

I bow before the new moon,
          and rising with the sun
  try to take things lightly,
  because all is mind and none is one

Categories
Buddhism Good Fortune Poetry

once free

Do you know what it is
to be without

fear, sorrow,
deluded doubt?

Do you know what it is
to be truly free

from anger, hatred,
and misery?

Do you know what it is
to go within

where all is pure,
without sin?

Do you know what it is
to exist in peace

where all causes for unhappiness
have ceased?

Do you know what it is
to know your mind

limitless potential,
joyful, kind?

I have finally found
such instructions pure
as my name imputed,
an unmistaken cure

now to follow
this joyful path
it alone is happy,
clear, unmatched

who will join me?
may it be all
with equanimity, love,
we shall heed the call

and finally discover
Enlightenment unbound
dreamlike true existence,
once unknown, now found