All the conditions
all the instructions
all the sorrows
the pains
the long introductions
you should know suffering
and develop intention
You have all the conditions
all the instructions
all the pleasures
such joys
you should know these are temporary
called changing suffering
and seek the wisdom realizing
emptiness instead
I started to lose interest
where it began, I cannot tell –
was it diseases of delusions?
or the medications as well?
Aversion to sugar
I dislike that sweet —
but a little too tart?
sours my treat
A dash of salt
is too salty still
when I want a
silly snack
Creamy vanilla
or buttered plain
are two with simple
lack
Yet mocha dark
or caramel glazed
are off my beaten
path
So what is it I fancy?
what is it I crave?
and what will satisfy me?
or quick become depraved?
For once a pleasure rises
a pleasure, she must fall
and he who sympathizes with
attachment
is he who loses all
For grasping at an object,
impermanent, illusion best
is ignorance, the birthplace
of delusions, all the rest
So what will satisfy me
external to my mind?
Nothing nothing no thing
for all that is
is named, is mind
If it was never fixed,
it can’t be rebroken
yet it’s shattered now completely
while I am made whole
I have been repurposed
utterly renewed
now I know
freedom, not heartache,
ensues
amazing – I waited
so patiently —
. . .
okay, no
I begged
I literally got on my knees and pleaded
(humiliating really)
for C L O S U R E
I practically pulled my own teeth for it
(I simply stole a toothbrush instead)
I was intoxicated by the lust for a bitter end –
while being denied it again and again
knowing it’s going to come
inevitably
so I begged for early release
the buildup was incredible
intense at times
(filled with that crazed yearning)
but, as it so often is, then withheld
so when the climax didn’t come
time went by and trepidation
S t R e t c H e d
to a numbed oblivion, almost
forgotten – then rediscovered and
(as I was waiting for, begging for)
followed by the instant explosion,
so incredibly quick we call brief into question
a lit fuse to a pinch of dynamite
I waited for the punch! And it never came
it merely sizzled
a spark, lacking flame
and while I wish
so strongly, I could say, you too
were just a sizzle to me
instead I just admit you were a strong second
(sorry, never a first)
and of course such thirst for you
has permanently ended
no hurt no difficult goodbye
no hard feelings
just sweet, sweet relief
what now?
Enlightenment
a memory
it is not mine
upon a log I sit
‘neath the snowy pine
under darkened sky
beside earthen stove
a bitter wind kicks up
in the moonlit grove
the jingle of the horse & sleigh
as it carries him so far away
I cannot weep, I do not cry
a muted heart is breaking
and as the silence lies
a frozen bough is snapping – loud
to crack the quiet
still, expected in the freeze
I do not startle, there is no breeze
no wind at back to impel me
my bones have stiffened here
my mind is anything but clear
as the winter’s solitude
forces delusions rather rude
inner quietude never did follow outer
now it’s simply easier to hear
internal screaming
though the fire burns, continuous
it takes us not
because it cannot reach
what we refuse we got
buried below
alive and dead
some peace & love
blessings bestowed
how are these all stripped from me?
as he plods on down the snowy path
I know he won’t be coming back
so I’m wrecked to watch him leave
though it is not my memory
You search for conventional cause
but come up empty handed
not quite the emptiness you seek
because the suffering is still there
the realness of a wound laid bare
and why not rub salt in it —
we’re out of control anyway
a disappointing dream, yes, sore
red, raw, sinewy once more
the band aid won’t stick
and the solitary peace that binds,
too, won’t stick in spite of such mess
Shariputra’s demon will not
prevent my efforts as a spiritual warrior
even if injured once more
after all, we’re all lunatics in
the madhouse of samsara
arrogant prisoner
trapped
hard to believe it’s not permanent
until we move beyond
conventional cause
you want to be angry,
but on what authority?
what justification could you have
for such delusion?
Thinking of virtue, compassion and love
-how do you forget love?
the simple wish for others to be happy
I am so sorry for you that you
do not know this feeling
a flame carried for all living beings
despite my own suffering
‘cause that’s life
and what say you to that?
that in a moment of weakness
we see it all
and having been forsaken, both,
and both put through hell
and failing miserably
to the lower realms we could descend
if this silly hatred doesn’t end
it’s temporary anyway
do you resist?
I don’t feel right
I can’t be normal
an alien in another’s skin —
how uncomfortable at times
I see myself needing
I see myself performing
I watch the satisfaction of each urge
depressed (only) momentarily, popped
deflated pimple, red, temporary
embarrassing, addictive
craving will resurface, a monster
people argue its existence — Loch Ness —
but the lie lays bare before us
recognized or not
so, it is with robotic sensibilities
I feel myself refuse to yield
to another pointless pleasure
and instead feel pain!
which I know is not the way —
but how else will I recognize
when I am being led astray
if not by monitoring such deceits
especially harmful, discovering
my own mind is the evil
that haunts me
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I want to be
part of it all
not individual and alone
not an add-on, but integral
I want my purity to be yours
and I want to spark the virtue
in all minds, together
like water, taking shape
I want to see
the aggregate of aggregates
“I” am
I want to see the “I” differently
so I am not trickster-trapped
by selfish self-cherishing
grasping the most important “me”
I want to be
the cedar on the rock,
the bark on the trunk,
a drop of water in the earth
a molecule of worth
immeasurable yet meaningful
a part of it all
I’m tired of being blamed for the
inadequacies of others
reflected back at them
glaring
omissions come to light
you hate it, yes,
but it’s your mind’s appearance
though you cannot concede,
conceive
such truth
let the mirror show
I am tired
and so not accountable
for you
for me,
I take full responsibility
though I depend
completely
upon the kindness of all beings
for every little thing
for my actions – wait
— ha-ha, I see!
now just what they have
done to me
I, too, have reflections
staring back
challenging
to acknowledge, purify
and why not rejoice
while at it
lucky tired me
I am my own mirror
clearly,
I see.
Hard to Swallow
A Poem dependent upon 15 songs
Runtime: 59min
I’ve to remind myself
how I feel has nothing to do
with what I can see now
for what I see does not function
to produce such un peace
yet here it arises as if
I were heroin-deficient
my mind chiming
you make me feel
you make me feel
and how I hate to hear that lonesome
whistle blow
knowing it’s our time to
go 100, 500, 900 miles
from wisdom, further away as
uncontrolled desire blooms,
wounds, pierces all the wrong places,
births desperation, debases
a toxin edged along the blade
a goddamn shame
slit wrists, caught in the undertow
cold as sorrow I can’t breathe
I’ll drown you with me
steeped attachment deep
& tormented held tightly
to my weak mind
I’m not alright
I wished it wouldn’t happen
but here the karma ripened
and I found it hard
didya think it’d be easy?
if it was easy, everybody’d do it too
don’t be the fool & certainly
don’t give up
don’t let me steal this moment from you
now get through the messy muck
and find relief, in faithful peace
grasping’s release
but in ignorance, more so
tell me that you won’t let go
even exceptions to the rule
break the paradigm
of their im perfection
seemingly im possible
at the time
wait for the but
the except
wait for it to fall
as the autumn leaves
still green, clinging,
still receiving the nourishment they need
still strong, then cut – jettisoned
tossed, ripped in the wind
painted glory, faded and
quickly burnt to crisps
as the feelings
of new love
blossom and fold
as midnight candy
opens at night
honeyed fragrance satisfies space
a gift for senses, too soon to pass
don’t get attached
and you might be alright —
except
The Halfwit Writer