From where does the sorrow come? 10.22.21
Categories
Question 9
Tag: past
I am not
a shadow of the past
a constant reminder,
the feeling, sound, the smell,
only a bit kinder
still capable of perfect hell
how could it be
an appearance keen
hair a mess and eyes uncanny
feels like something that should have been
left in yesterday
so why should it appear
it couldn’t then stay
yet the similarity’s now here
I cannot be a shadow
I am solid, tangible
taste me
don’t waste me
fated to meet often
fated to part again
please me
don’t tease me
fated to laugh together
fated to get better
keep me
don’t creep me
fated to fear each other
fated to love some other?
I cannot be a shadow
I produce sound, reflect light
I am more than imagination
and yet,
no more than mind
still too kind
fuck that noise!
you have no idea
until the pedestal falls
and it always gets knocked over
amidst the crimson & clover
tracking texts, relentless calls
you have no idea
distrust that poise
I mean, no one’s that kind
I cannot be a shadow
except of a doubt
to ponder and wonder
what’s she about
of course, lacking solid evidence
the conclusion is drawn
at least a vestige
at times a reflection pool, drink
but rarely so calm, that image manifests least
marshmallow fluff, and not serious stuff
ephemeral, that’s for sure
immaterial and yet a painted city girl
because it’s a capitalist material world
she is a shade, phantomed, reduced
for that is what our minds will do:
concoct and reduce
and so
I am
though mostly
I am not
while this grasping persists
truth resists
and my reality is rot
mind-made, illusion-caught
please stop!
and see
the light in me
though with delusions fraught
and sad!
how sorrowful and absent glad!
the shocks are shot
stability knocked out
as if by a naga-induced wave
such a close shave!
moments of despair
threatening to take a life away
only through blessings can one remain
believe it or not
please stop!
and try to see
this element of humanity
made of five elements, impure
air, water, space, earth and fire
try me
don’t buy me
fated to come home
yet still fated to roam
kiss me
don’t miss me
fated to touch hearts
fated to loathe parts
adore me
don’t ignore me
fated to be shaken
please let us awaken
I am not a shadow of the past
perhaps I am an apparition of the future
if I were anything at all
but what am I?
moment by moment
who am I?
if I am anyone at all
I always wanted the best for you
that’s kind of why I wished you knew
what you wanted in life, mostly
and, you know, kind of who you’d like to be
maybe one or two simple goals
a job, career — a commitment-phobe
is what I got instead
with stress and anxiety round
his balding head, and don’t get me started
on the gluten allergy
okay, I’ll try not to make it personal –
as a bodhisattva, with bodhichitta
I now pray
for each and every being to be happy
each and every day
for all suffering to be gone
for even you to get your fill
for not one enemy I claim
not one ounce of ill will remains
I hope you’re happy on your path
I hope you’re surrounded with love and laughs
I haven’t left a bit of wrath
to blame anything on you
even when I wanted to
instead I saw the good you grew
in me and many others
despite the bumpy, gritty roads
calves in ditches and girl scout notes
the ups and downs and round and rounds
and endless suffering,
I’d choose it all again —
if I don’t escape this life
we’re bound to repeat that goddam strife
because we couldn’t close the loop
our destiny will be to regroup
unless one of us is liberated,
one of us is freed
although I wish it would be you
I must know it will be me
if what I see in you,
is merely a mirror of myself
a bloody tormented soul
I’ve now left upon the shelf
a chrysalis ripped apart
the snakeskin that I shed
unlike losing hair upon your head,
intentional,
even you remember intention
maybe you even have it now
I believe we all can change
I’m doing it somehow
all beings will destroy delusions
all virtue will ensue
all beings become Buddhas
even me
even you
I
throat has seized
and body lusts,
reach out to grasp
man built to thrust
yet nothing there
for me to reach
and absent trust
rendered release
I cannot help
but ask and plead,
what dread clasp
robbed me of peace?
II
such a force came over me
I could not name
I could not tame
without remorse
my mind possessed
cut him down
to see him bled
III
a piece of mind
it held me back
so his murder
I did not commit
but the urge arose,
as I now recall,
to myself hard to admit
the need for me to train my mind
before I face the nearing times
when all are tested
most will fail
as they trained their minds
to no avail
The Halfwit Writer 