To feel too deeply
and to be unable to feel
are my two greatest sufferings
and to grasp at the feelings
as inherently existent
my greatest ignorance, their source
Tag: suffering
I’m forced to walk where my feet go
I’m forced to wonder on what I know
I’m forced to move by winds of mind
I’m forced to suffer, for I’ve been unkind
In each life
we walk away
from one another
thinking this life will be different
we tried it again
and now
we walk away
from one another
a different name
a different place
a different time
if the karma remains
unpurified
again we’ll try
again we’ll try
Categories
Spring Renewal, an endless cycle
I can feel time slowly slipping through my fingers
frictionless to hold a second for a second moment
before falling through the ether into near nothingness
imprinted on continuum
a seed carried life to life
until conditions are right
to ripen the fruit on an unsuspecting self
— I am sorry
But how can it be helped?
I cannot squeeze this self into another
instead I chip away at delusions
from the inside out
destroying deluded doubt
and always at play
never a day spent away from refuge
and still I fight a deluge
of intense suffering
always threatening
to drown a silly me
how can it be
at war with three
extract My poisons, please!
Oh doctor of holy medicine,
I am a sick being
full of rotten feeling
still misunderstanding compassion
still giving with miserly ration
still confused at apparent separation
what can I do
I sit and contemplate emptiness
I feel like less and less
I can impress others
I merely offend
with no ability to comprehend
how meaningless it all is
without a pure intention
to worry about such brief condition
when I could be creating
a beautiful future feeling
and care for other instead
please, mend my broken head
Please, mend my broken heart
so that I may finally start
to love, to give happiness
and understand what comes does part
although appearing, no longer relating
to mistaken imputation
and while all expectations break
and friends do talk and fuck and fake
until the joy becomes real
and pain is permanently healed
may my pure virtue be revealed
through blessings be shared
and eventually may I care
only for other, selflessly
give me such pure appearance
so with happiness, I’ll dance
and, just perhaps,
give pure love chance after chance
Categories
she didn’t wake up
she was looking for love
in all the wrong places
lighting a cigarette
outside the empty bar
buys her own drinks
what’s she waiting for?
Enlightenment?
she trots off into the night,
dragging her smoke-ring-halo
absent lamp light, fog rimmed
starlit trails
observed by her full moon gaze –
but does she exist without witness?
she was looking for love
eyes wide shut
snaked-eyed-luck
coffee breath and memories
of last year’s shitty fuck
did I cum?
skating down an icy street
pleasantly, legally high
wishing to die
she escapes on by
narrowly avoiding being struck
ignores the honks
oversized jacket, wonky look
she reaches inside for her last dart
it falls from shakey fingers, on ice, wet, breaking
and if that isn’t the straw
as she falls to her knees
and pleads with the dream,
— her own mind of course —
please release me
wake up
wake up
It’s funny now to think
of all the things that bothered me
of all the pain and suffering
of all the time, temporary
of all the boredom and writing
(there was a lot of it)
of all the clouds that passed me by
of all the insults I let fly
of each and every teenage guy
that harassed me – pretty damn good
I gotta say
of all the humdrum slow sales days
of all the ones who got away
of all the patrons that did play
of all the couples, straight and gay
(had to use the rhyme)
of all the goddamn wasted time
of all the lemons and no lime
all of the coke, the hash, the crime
of getting the nickel not the dime
of all the puke, and dye and slime
of all the nights I spent awake
of all the pictures I did take
of all the muffins I did bake
of all the calmness I did fake
all for the goodness’ sake!
It’s funny now to think
that all that suffering
had its purpose and its place
carried me through this time and space
with a name I tried to lose, but stayed
with an identity that just won’t fade
with a childlike quality that wants to play
believing summer starts in May
wearing bare feet in the stream
ever remembering the dream
(I’d never lose the Buddhist theme)
for while it helps me to escape
it helps me to survive
it helps me to help others
it helps me to be kind
it helps me be of service
it helps me to be strong
it helps me to be happy
it helps me to get along
it helps me every when
it helps me every where
it helps me every how
it helps to simply care
and certainly, when we met
It was my summer reappeared
all the pain and suffering
all the heartache, all the tears
all the happiness, the joy
all the hope and possibility
all the sunshine and noise
all the soft tranquility
all the disappointment
all the vanity
all the goddamn fears
all the animosity
all the craving and the yearn
all the cash I couldn’t earn
all the parties and the crash
all the littered trash
how did these memories appear
dependent upon you?
how did all my hopes and dreams
dissolve in summer’s blue?
Categories
Wish for Wisdom
(alternative title: fucking begging for it)
I want to cry
how is it possible
once again
to become an emotional wreck
of titanic proportions
at least still safely submerged
too sensitive
so overly sensitive!
Please!
Take the sensitivity away!
Sensory overload
at the slightest touch
and now — my imagination!
runs wildly & in wild ways
away
I’m a wreck
characters swarm my mind
barking at me
to write them down
and I cannot find my pen
where has it gone?
again!?
I cannot be barked at
any longer!
It doesn’t make me
any stronger!
I try and try
to not yearn to hear
words of kind sincerity
but again,
like salt water to quench my thirst
a taste and I am thirstier!
a taste and I need more!
Tell me I’m good
Tell me I’m GOOD
TELL me I’m good
Tell me I’M good
Tell ME I’m good
Am I good?
and even if you tell me
it doesn’t matter like it should!
because it’s my mind
that’s not good enough
to see reality clearly
to see past the real lies
deceptive tears, I moan, he cries
and I want him to pay dearly
but it’s that very fucked up mind
that wishes to take from others
in a selfish way,
to have others pay
for my debts owed –
No! No longer!
Although I cannot crucify myself
I can rectify by patiently accepting
while my inner voice still screams
I wish I was invisible
unknowable as I must be,
still the outer quiet spoke volumes
and the sound of silence resonates
reverberates off the walls
as darkness consumes
a single lamp put out
a black night falls
I was not as patient as I could
be I was not as kind as I would
like others to do unto me
A little dramatic, yes
(I wish I wasn’t so dramatic)
but nonetheless
it’s an artist’s reflection I see
Carry on
It’s not temporary happiness I crave
but full abandonment
of these unacceptable delusions
and the permanent happiness
resulting from the stainless mind
that realizes emptiness directly
Please!
Make my mind good
<3>
I sit apart
yearning
misunderstanding
my separateness
does not exist
and still
it is effortful
to fight such suffering
deceitful maras
mistaken minds
I am but a drop
at my heart
at the heart of all hearts
inseparable, pure
with the Dharma cure
to be a part of it all
happily
Categories
way out within
there is a portal
escape route out
no need to scream
no need to shout
is it above us?
or is it below?
it cannot be without
it is within we go
and when we discover
the truth that lies therein
that all is mind, is empty
pure and free of sin
only happiness resides
in our pure, loving core
only a kind, peaceful
consciousness, forevermore
(the question is,
do you want it?)
Categories
reconciliation
… how to reconcile
if I feel great suffering
I have caused such suffering
and continue to do it still
… now I must cease
turning the wheel of sharp weapons
and turn the wheel of Dharma instead
… how strange
to have obliged such ignorance
with each delusional teardrop
… how strange
to feel the harm I cause
and still I do not stop
The Halfwit Writer 